"Cash Only" Is For Chump!

Why in the world would anyone bother owning or operating a business these days without being able to take credit and debit payments? I understand that there are often charges associated with providing this kind of service. But come on, if you as the business owner can't afford to pay for a credit card machine, at least pass the service charge onto me. It's way more convenient for me to pay you 25 cents for a transaction than leave your business to find an ATM. If I have to leave, I'm not coming back, and you just lost a sale. Trust me, when I plan to spend money, I don't mess around.

I'm not one to carry much cash on me. Carrying cash makes it 100% more possible that I might lose said cash. If I'm not carrying it, I can't lose it. I may lose my wallet with all my cards in it but at least then I can make a phone call and verify my money's safe.

The old days of "Cash is King" are long gone. Cash is crap! I say, "All Hail Lady Visa and Lord Master Card." The American green back is worth little to nothing these days. Wealth is really only judged by how many 1's and 0's are floating around in your online bank account. Pretty soon we'll be able to pay for stuff just using our thumb prints or the RFID tag embedded under the skin in our palms.

Just remember small business owner, as you're getting high off that new Sharpie, writing you're "Cash Only" sign to scotch tape into the window, in the new world "Cash Only" translates into "No Sale".

(The only reason to prefer "cash only" is if you're avoiding paying taxes. Because if there's one thing that's definitely not for chumps, it's sticking it to the man!)

"Reply To All" Is For Chumps!

Anybody who has worked in any corporate environment knows about the dreaded “Reply To All” button. Yes, it has its uses, but more often than not it is abused. And when it is abused, it’s painful—agonizingly painful.

So here at the company where Mr. Kamikaze and I allegedly work, once in a while we will get an email addressed to the entire company. This morning we got one of those, but there was one problem—it was a mistake. What proceeded afterward were three hours (so far) and two hundred emails (so far) of hell. I give you the top ten:

10. Was this e-mail meant for me?

9. I think you sent this to me by mistake.

8. I think you sent this to the wrong person!!!!!

7. Is this a virus? I'm sending to Spam and my IT person

6. PLEASE stop replying to all.. thanks

5. OMG!!! I think the world is coming to an end! Please stop replying!....

4. !!!!!!! EVERYBODY…STOP REPLYING TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I just wanted to be a part of the email action!

2. Who are all you people?

1. GO LAKERS!!!

Failing To Subscribe To Our RSS Feed Is For Chumps!

Just as a reminder to all you technologically-advanced chumps out there, please subscribe to our RSS feed by clicking here. If you don't know what an RSS feed is, it's an address you can put into an RSS reader like Google Reader, Outlook, Firefox, Internet Explorer 7, and many others. It basically allows for instant access to our new chumposts as soon as we add them.

If you want more info, I highly recommend Google Reader and you can read more about it here. So go ahead and subscribe, it's probably one of the least-chumpy things you'll ever do.

Car Alarms Are For Chumps!

In this day and age, are car alarms really anything more than an annoyance? I know I don't give a second thought when I hear a car alarm going off anymore. I do a give a first thought, it's how I want to go smash in the windows of the car whose alarm won't stop, so at least it's going off for a legitimate reason. Especially when it's the fifth time it's woken me up in the middle of the night and it's obvious even the owner doesn't care that his car is being broken into anymore.

Any car thief worth his salt is going to know how to do what he needs to do before the alarm actually "alarms" anyone or know how to turn the alarm off.

The top 10 things that set off car alarms 99.9% more often than thieves:

1. The neighborhood cat whose paw prints you find on your windshield in the morning
   
   
2. A motorcycle or old car with loud "pipes"
   
   
3. An earthquake
   
   
4. A large delivery truck driving by
   
   
5. Bored youth looking for a laugh (aka Hooligans)
   
   
6. Rogue shopping carts
   
   
7. Falling leaves or branches from the tree you parked under
   
   
8. The soccer mom fumbling for the keys in her purse
   (She never bothered to learn how to turn the alarm off on the new Denali. An obvious guilt gift from the husband to save an already dead marriage after being caught sleeping with the new secretary. It was cheaper than the divorce settlement.)
   
   
9. The jerk-off who drives by who spent more on the bass for his car stereo than the car itself
   
   
10. A stiff breeze
    
    

Agree that car alarms are for chumps?
Click here to check out the trailer for Noise starring Tim Robbins.

Disagree that car alarms are for chumps? You're wrong.
Click here to check out the trailer for Noise starring Tim Robbins.

Movies About Treasure Are For Chumps!

I'm done, it's over, no more. I'm officially retiring from the "Treasure Movie" genre. I keep waiting for one of them to surprise me but it keeps coming down to the same routine. I blame Indy, he started this mess. George Lucas rejuvenated the treasure-hunting genre back in the 80s and now it's snowballed into a monster. Tomb Raider, The Mummy, National Fucking Treasure. I'll admit it, a few of those horse-beaten movies might have been entertaining, but after seeing the latest edition of everyone's favorite ophidiophobic, Indiana Jones, I've had it.

No More Leather Jackets: I don't get it, have any of you actually been to the Sahara or the Amazon rainforest? It's not exactly sweater-weather over there. That is, of course, unless you enjoy looking and feeling like a sweaty Robin Williams. I'm just glad they didn't use a leather jacket to cover Angelina's giant knockers.

Ancient People Weren't That Smart: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there has ever been a case where an archaeologist placed a key in a hole and a two-ton rock wall automatically moved. I still sometimes slam my face into the automatic door at Target and you're expecting me to believe that some four-thousand-year-old civilization perfected the science?

WTF is "Power"? In these treasure movies, there almost always exists an artifact that contains some sort of "power". And they'll usually explain it like, "he who returns the artifact to the temple will be able to wield its power." I think people toss that P-word around too much. When you keep using it in useless context like that it starts to lose its meaning. And may I say, we almost never find out what this "power" actually is. Cuz you know what happens when they finally get this power? They die. Every time.

Treasure Movie Writers are Racist: There almost always comes a point in these movies where the heroes come across a band of natives. These indigenous people are uniformly painted up with an affinity towards body piercings and dreadlocks. They always have either spears, bolos, or blow darts--sometimes all three. The reasons for this mindless assault are almost never given; and when they are, it's usually because these brainless, non-white people are "sworn to protect" the artifact, temple, or what have you. Maybe they just don't agree with our foreign policy.

One-Time-Use Temples are Wasteful: Yay! We've defeated the bad guy! Uh, oh, what's going on? There's sand pouring everywhere, the floor is falling out from underneath me into some mysterious void and those inexplicable automatic rock-doors are starting to slide down at just the right speed for me to escape! What's a leather-jacket-wearing adventurer to do? Come on, transparently-racist ancient people! Why would you put all that work into your temple but then have it fall apart as soon as all the good stuff happens? The worst part is that they use these temples to store all their valuables and treasure. I'm glad Public Storage isn't run by ancient Mayans.

"Coffee Culture" Is For Chumps!

To start, I admit freely, I am not a coffee drinker. Never have been and never intend to be. I previously posted about how soup is for chumps and feel much the same way about coffee as well as other hot liquids.

But, one thing I just don't understand is why we need A FRICKIN' STARBUCKS (or some other coffee shop) ON EVERY CORNER! What's so great about spending five bucks on a hot cup of burned bean juice? From what I've heard on recent news reports and from friends who are coffee drinkers you can buy a decent cup of coffee at McDonald's or 7-Eleven for 1/4th of the price. Better yet, just get it free from work like I see all the sheep at my work do every morning.

In recent taste tests performed by Consumer Reports, McDonald's was declared the winner over Starbucks as well as 3 other fast food restaurants. Which doesn't surprise me, because if the rumors are true, Starbucks overcooks (read: burns) it's beans to make its coffee stronger, which in turn allows them to use the beans longer. They say this is to help protect the environment and the poor foreign bean pickers from working so hard. I know when I'm driving to my palatial Starbucks estate in my million dollar car, the first thing I'm worried about is how Javier and his family who toiled away all day in the fields are going to make ends meet. (Read about Starbucks "not so green" practices here).

Going to Starbucks to get your Grande Half Caf cup of frothy dirt water does not make you seem trendy or happening. No, it makes you look like a jerk with too much pocket change that wants to be part of some greater coffee worshipping community. The only thing it proves to me is that you have horrible taste and dirty teeth.

I understand needing that morning pick me up. I'll have a nice cold caffeinated soda in the morning sometimes. But I'm not going to go to some bar for a $9 cola when I can get one for fifty cents out of the local vending machine.

Start saving your coffee money and maybe you can buy a clue.

(I think I'm angry today. I'm off the cola, which means I'm off the caffeine. Since I don't drink coffee I may have to invest in some NoDoz or maybe some meth.)

Overusing Movie Quotes Is For Chumps!

I've always thought there should be a statute of limitations in regards to movie quotes. Yeah sure it's funny when a movie is still fresh and funny, but as one gets older, their internal database of movie quotes gets older and more stale.

It's nuts, I mean, we literally had to wait for people to die to get them to stop using quotes like "Well frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and "Stella!" Things are getting out of hand and it has gotten to to point where they actually promote movies by saying it is "the most quotable movie of the year." Ugh. This brings me, of course, to the most-hated culprits:

"I'll be back"

"Alrighty then."

You are not allowed to scratch your cheek and say "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse." Not allowed!

"Use the force, Luke"

"Say hello to my little friend" in your crappy, racist Cuban accent.

"A Cinderella story"

Anything from Napoleon Dynamite. This goes for everything regarding tots or being a friggin idiot. Ligers aren't funny anymore either, so don't even try.

"Bond, James Bond"--Classic chump.

And finally, the worst of them all--anything from Austin Powers. This goes for "one million dollars," "do I make you horny," "yeah, baby, yeah," and "get in my belly." Banned.