Poor Cell Phone Etiquette Is For Chumps!

Basically you can avoid being a phone chump by having some common courtesy and respect for the people around you. Here are some simple rules to follow that will help you have better cell phone etiquette.

Unless it's an emergency, don't answer the phone when you're with other people. If you do have to answer it, walk away from the group so everyone else doesn't have to stop what they're doing so you can finish your call.

Don't use your speaker phone in public. No one gives a crap about how little Johnny got a gold star in spelling this week. Take Grandma off the speaker phone, she has a hard enough time hearing you as it is.

Use your indoor voice or go somewhere you can hear the call better. Once again, no one but your girlfriend (and maybe that waitress you met at that bar last night) cares how happy you are that the "tests" came back negative.

Turn your ringer volume down or off when you're in more intimate settings like restaurants and doctors' offices. If you can't be bothered to turn your ringer off or down, at least answer the phone as soon as it rings. I don't want to hear Snoop Dogg's newest hit blaring from your cell phone while you let it ring through to voice mail or rummage through your purse to find it.

Pay attention to the road. This includes talking on the phone as well as text messaging. Nothing pisses me off more than watching people blindly change lanes, cut people off, or make a 10 point turn to get in or out of a parking space because they're too stupid or stubborn to put down the phone.

California state law says that all use of a phone in the car must be "hands free" starting July 1st, 2008. This law is already in effect in many other states or will be very soon. This means you'll need a headset of some type to talk on the phone while driving. "Hands free" does not mean you have the phone on "speaker" while holding it four inches from your face, you retarded half wit. Put the phone down, get your head out of your ass, and get both hands on the wheel.

Hang up the phone or at least excuse yourself from the phone conversation when addressing someone in the service industry. As much as you may hate to admit it, the check out clerk at the grocery store and the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's are people too. They deserve your undivided attention as they are providing YOU a service. Don't just keep blathering away with your friend Jenny about how awesome your date with Billy was last night without acknowledging the people helping you. Besides, the only reason Billy went out with you is because Jenny told him you were easy.

And please, for the sake of whatever god you may believe in, turn your phone off in the movie theater. (Please see my previous post: Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!)

In the end, it just comes down to treating other people with the same courtesy and respect you would expect the... Ah crap, I dropped my phone. I'll have to get back to you later.

"Coffee Culture" Is For Chumps!

To start, I admit freely, I am not a coffee drinker. Never have been and never intend to be. I previously posted about how soup is for chumps and feel much the same way about coffee as well as other hot liquids.

But, one thing I just don't understand is why we need A FRICKIN' STARBUCKS (or some other coffee shop) ON EVERY CORNER! What's so great about spending five bucks on a hot cup of burned bean juice? From what I've heard on recent news reports and from friends who are coffee drinkers you can buy a decent cup of coffee at McDonald's or 7-Eleven for 1/4th of the price. Better yet, just get it free from work like I see all the sheep at my work do every morning.

In recent taste tests performed by Consumer Reports, McDonald's was declared the winner over Starbucks as well as 3 other fast food restaurants. Which doesn't surprise me, because if the rumors are true, Starbucks overcooks (read: burns) it's beans to make its coffee stronger, which in turn allows them to use the beans longer. They say this is to help protect the environment and the poor foreign bean pickers from working so hard. I know when I'm driving to my palatial Starbucks estate in my million dollar car, the first thing I'm worried about is how Javier and his family who toiled away all day in the fields are going to make ends meet. (Read about Starbucks "not so green" practices here).

Going to Starbucks to get your Grande Half Caf cup of frothy dirt water does not make you seem trendy or happening. No, it makes you look like a jerk with too much pocket change that wants to be part of some greater coffee worshipping community. The only thing it proves to me is that you have horrible taste and dirty teeth.

I understand needing that morning pick me up. I'll have a nice cold caffeinated soda in the morning sometimes. But I'm not going to go to some bar for a $9 cola when I can get one for fifty cents out of the local vending machine.

Start saving your coffee money and maybe you can buy a clue.

(I think I'm angry today. I'm off the cola, which means I'm off the caffeine. Since I don't drink coffee I may have to invest in some NoDoz or maybe some meth.)