Parking Like An A$$hole Is For Chumps!

Here is a list of people who deserve to have their cars keyed, windows or tail lights smashed, or their tires slashed for their Chump moves when it comes to parking:

• Non-handicapped people that park in handicapped spaces, people that park in the red zone, or people who think it's OK to park in front of a fire hydrant. (These are a gimmes.)
  
• People that park right in front of the store, blocking the walkway/entrance (usually in a red zone, often leaving the car running) because they are just running in for something real quick.
  
  
• The guy (or soccer mom) in the giant truck or SUV whose car doesn't fit in the space. You chose to drive an oversized, gas guzzling, monster of a car. Choose to walk the extra 100 yards from the spot that your car might actually fit in. Or, better yet, get a car you can actually handle driving.
  
  
  


• The guy that parks in the "not a spot" because he's too lazy to look for a real space. Thanks for inconveniencing the rest of us by narrowing the already too tiny aisle.
  
  
• The new car owner that doesn't want door dings so he decides to straddle the line and take up two spaces or even worse pulls in diagonally or perpendicular to the lines and take 3 or more spaces. You're car is going to get dented and scratched eventually. Besides, the giant "Douche Bag" I scratch in the side of your car will look way worse than a tiny door ding.
  
  
• The guy just dropping off his rent check, groceries, a pizza, etc. that parks in MY space because it's closer and it was empty when he got there. Uh, eff you pal! I pay for that space. Move your piece of shit out of my spot and have some respect. I've had multiple cars towed out of my spot before. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing someone come back and find their car missing. I hope they learned an expensive lesson.

Just remember, as many times as your mommy might tell you, you're not special. You're not more important than everyone else on the road. Have some respect for your fellow man and show some common courtesy towards others. Just don't do what's most convenient for you and damn the consequences. Some day you may come back and find for flat tires, two broken tail lights, and "CHUMP" etched into the door of your car.

Cell-Phone-Related Denial Is For Chumps!

Nothing pisses me off more than some self-important douchebag lecturing me on how superior his phone carrier is to mine. It usually starts like this:

Douchebag: I heard that if you take all your intestines out, it could wrap around the moon three times.

Me: You’re an idiot.

DB: No, it’s true, I saw it on Mythbusters.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I’ll look it up on my phone, just to prove that you’re an idiot.

DB: Alright, you’ll be sorry.

Me: Crap, I don’t have reception. I guess your ignorance is safe for now.

DB: What carrier do you have?

Me: [Evil Monopolistic Telecom]

DB: OHHHHHHHH, no wonder! They’re terrible! I never get dropped calls with my phone. It’s always perfect, even inside a cave in Costa Rica. I tried it once, I swear. I had to call my buddy to tell him how awesome the new Spin Doctors album was.

Scene.

Alright, so putting aside the fact that this guy is obviously an idiot, he’s also a liar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to rant about how terrible the cell phone companies are. I’ve made peace with the fact that they can now cure cervical cancer but they still can’t work the kinks out of simple radio transmission. What I can’t make peace with is the fact that there are people on this earth that simply refuse to accept that something they paid for is less than perfect. Let's face it, if cell reception were faultless, we wouldn’t be bombarded with ads bragging how many bars they can stick in how many places (that’s not a typo).

What I’m trying to say is that your refusal to accept the realities of life isn’t helping the situation. It’s making you sound like an asshole, and more importantly, it’s making you look like a chump.

Myspace.com Is For Chumps!

I really can't understand how Myspace.com has become such a big deal in the Internet world. Anytime I'm forced to go there to hunt down some information, I feel like I'm going to have a seizure. Are people so totally desperate to make "friends" and be accepted that they are happy to use a piece of mediocre software to design a "web page" in the hopes that old high school friends can track them down. No one is looking for you to reconnect. If they had liked you at all they would have made an effort to keep in touch all along. All Myspace is now is a popularity contest to see who can make the most friends they'll never actually meet.

I'll admit that the original intent of Myspace was a great idea. A place for up and coming bands to create a web presence and gain a fan base without the help of big record labels. But what Myspace has become is the rotting afterbirth of that well intentioned social music site. Now any 6th grader with the access to mommy's PC and basic reading skills thinks they should venture out on the Inter-tubes and make themselves a website. What you've made my friend is not a website. It's the electronic equivalent of the shitty crayon drawing of what was supposed to be an elephant that your parents hung on the fridge when you were two. Semi-opaque background images, repeating fairy wallpaper and fluorescent green text on a pink background do not a website make.

Leave the web design to people that took the time to learn how to do it the right way. You stick with the finger painting. I'm sure you're mom still has room on the fridge next to your 4th grade report card that has the happy face in "recess".

The Race To The White House Is For Chumps!

I’m completely gripped by politics. I have been for years, but this year was extraordinary. After each primary this year, I’ve caught myself intently listening to NPR on my way to the gym and impatiently turning on CNN after I get home. But now something has changed—I’m tired. Sure it started off well enough. Two of the most dynamic contenders entered the race to become the Democratic nominee. People lauded it for the historical implications. No matter what, history would be made—the first female nominee or the first black nominee. This is going to be so awesome, right? Not so fast.

Now after getting eyestrain from watching a close race go through fifty states, not to mention Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, my buzz is starting to wear off. I need a nap.

Have no fear, though. I have a feeling that this is going to end up just like those familiar Saturday morning promises I frequently make to myself—“Oh fuck, what happened last night? *groan* I’m never drinking again.” Well, this appletini in my left hand begs to differ. Worry not, Barack, I’ll be ready to party again next weekend.

And now, for your viewing pleasure:

Cutting Random Bits Of Sound Out Of The Theatrical Release Of Your Film To Fight Piracy Is For Chumps!

I have enough trouble mustering up the energy to deal with all the shenanigans that go on at the movie theater these days. (See my previous post Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!) Now Paramount has seen fit to mount a new campaign to fight movie piracy in the theaters. I had heard rumors that this was happening but experienced it myself first hand. Last night, I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and noticed in more than one spot bits of the soundtrack had been cut. I guess this is a new form of tagging the film so that pirated copies can be traced back to an individual theater.

What the f*ck Paramount? I paid somewhere between $8.50 and $11 to see your mediocre movie. Don't punish me further for someone else's mistake. Why would you want to degrade my already taxing movie going experience? If I'm going to be forced to see a sub par version of the film I might as well wait and buy it from some guy selling burned copies out of the trunk of his Dodge Stratus or to download it from the intranet pirates you are so desperately trying to stop.

Now that I know that this new anti-piracy tactic is being used it will make me think even harder about whether dealing with all the movie theater bullshit is really worth it. Stop worrying so much about stopping movie piracy and start working to make your films better so people will actually want to go to the theater and see them.

Screw you Paramount and screw you movie theater chains that support this ridiculous anti-piracy tactic!

Being Dragged By Your Significant Other To See the "Sex In The City" Movie Without The Promise of "Special" Sexual Favors Is For Chumps!

(and even then you had better just slept in the theater or at least gotten a handy during the opening credits.)



If you couldn't come up with some excuse to NOT see the Sex In The City movie this weekend, you my friend are a super chump! You deserve whatever hellish nightmares now run through your head after sitting through 145 minutes of pure drivel. Just think of all the better things you could have done during that 2 hrs and 25 minutes:

• Washed your car
  
• Slept
  
• Called your Grandmother (collect obviously) that you haven't talked to in month
• Seen any other movie that's ever been made
  
• Gouged your eyes out with cocktail umbrellas
  
• Hung yourself from your back skin from giant hooks in the garage
  
• Basically anything...
  

Guys, if any women out there ever belittles you for waiting in line with your friends to see Star Wars, you just point out to them how women were lined up in the streets dressed in their fanciest knock-off designer fashions and drinking their Cosmo's waiting for this piece of crap to start.

Just think about this ladies. If your beloved Sex In The City was a show about men acting the way these women do, every pro woman organization out there would be rioting in the streets, protesting how the show treats women and how the show is a horrible example to men everywhere. Shame on you, ladies. Shame on you!

And for all you ladies out there under the false impression that Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive. Check This Out.

Not Checking Out TheSmartReviews.com Is For Chumps!

Not satisfied with pontificating on all points minute and ephemeral, some of your favorite bloggers to ForChumps.com and TheSmartPatrol.net have started a another blog dedicated to the pursuit of filthy lucre.

The Smart Reviews is just that, smart (as in informed, smart alecky, and smart assed) reviews of all the things that we use, are exposed to or have anything more than a passing interest in reviewing.

Like music... We love telling other people that the crap on their iPods is crap.

Or gadgets... We are not married, don't have kids or drug habits, so where do you think all the money goes?

There are a lot of sites out there that have tech or music or movie reviews, but only one site dares to call itself The Smart Reviews... mostly because we got the domain name before someone else did.

Please check us out, we're reviewing stuff all the time so you don't have to.

Also we're gonna give stuff away, but that's a secret.
And we have a twitter feed (if you don't know what that is, don't worry you don't need it)

At The Smart Reviews we don't let the fact that we have no idea what we're talking about stop us from having a strong opinion about it. Check it out and tell your friends.