Poor Cell Phone Etiquette Is For Chumps!

Basically you can avoid being a phone chump by having some common courtesy and respect for the people around you. Here are some simple rules to follow that will help you have better cell phone etiquette.

Unless it's an emergency, don't answer the phone when you're with other people. If you do have to answer it, walk away from the group so everyone else doesn't have to stop what they're doing so you can finish your call.

Don't use your speaker phone in public. No one gives a crap about how little Johnny got a gold star in spelling this week. Take Grandma off the speaker phone, she has a hard enough time hearing you as it is.

Use your indoor voice or go somewhere you can hear the call better. Once again, no one but your girlfriend (and maybe that waitress you met at that bar last night) cares how happy you are that the "tests" came back negative.

Turn your ringer volume down or off when you're in more intimate settings like restaurants and doctors' offices. If you can't be bothered to turn your ringer off or down, at least answer the phone as soon as it rings. I don't want to hear Snoop Dogg's newest hit blaring from your cell phone while you let it ring through to voice mail or rummage through your purse to find it.

Pay attention to the road. This includes talking on the phone as well as text messaging. Nothing pisses me off more than watching people blindly change lanes, cut people off, or make a 10 point turn to get in or out of a parking space because they're too stupid or stubborn to put down the phone.

California state law says that all use of a phone in the car must be "hands free" starting July 1st, 2008. This law is already in effect in many other states or will be very soon. This means you'll need a headset of some type to talk on the phone while driving. "Hands free" does not mean you have the phone on "speaker" while holding it four inches from your face, you retarded half wit. Put the phone down, get your head out of your ass, and get both hands on the wheel.

Hang up the phone or at least excuse yourself from the phone conversation when addressing someone in the service industry. As much as you may hate to admit it, the check out clerk at the grocery store and the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's are people too. They deserve your undivided attention as they are providing YOU a service. Don't just keep blathering away with your friend Jenny about how awesome your date with Billy was last night without acknowledging the people helping you. Besides, the only reason Billy went out with you is because Jenny told him you were easy.

And please, for the sake of whatever god you may believe in, turn your phone off in the movie theater. (Please see my previous post: Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!)

In the end, it just comes down to treating other people with the same courtesy and respect you would expect the... Ah crap, I dropped my phone. I'll have to get back to you later.

Cell-Phone-Related Denial Is For Chumps!

Nothing pisses me off more than some self-important douchebag lecturing me on how superior his phone carrier is to mine. It usually starts like this:

Douchebag: I heard that if you take all your intestines out, it could wrap around the moon three times.

Me: You’re an idiot.

DB: No, it’s true, I saw it on Mythbusters.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I’ll look it up on my phone, just to prove that you’re an idiot.

DB: Alright, you’ll be sorry.

Me: Crap, I don’t have reception. I guess your ignorance is safe for now.

DB: What carrier do you have?

Me: [Evil Monopolistic Telecom]

DB: OHHHHHHHH, no wonder! They’re terrible! I never get dropped calls with my phone. It’s always perfect, even inside a cave in Costa Rica. I tried it once, I swear. I had to call my buddy to tell him how awesome the new Spin Doctors album was.

Scene.

Alright, so putting aside the fact that this guy is obviously an idiot, he’s also a liar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to rant about how terrible the cell phone companies are. I’ve made peace with the fact that they can now cure cervical cancer but they still can’t work the kinks out of simple radio transmission. What I can’t make peace with is the fact that there are people on this earth that simply refuse to accept that something they paid for is less than perfect. Let's face it, if cell reception were faultless, we wouldn’t be bombarded with ads bragging how many bars they can stick in how many places (that’s not a typo).

What I’m trying to say is that your refusal to accept the realities of life isn’t helping the situation. It’s making you sound like an asshole, and more importantly, it’s making you look like a chump.

Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!

So, there are lots of different ways to be "That Annoying Jackass" in the movie theater. Below is a list of the most annoying people that love to help ruin my movie going experience. Armed with this information, you will hopefully be able to avoid being the biggest jackass in the theater. (Yes, all of these are based on my personal experience in movie theaters.)

• The New Parent(s)
  
  You chose to have a baby. Next time, choose to stay home. I don't know why you think it's OK to bring your child (from crying newborn to anxious toddler) into the 10:30pm showing of an R-Rated movie. At the very least, when your kid starts to cry or can't hold still, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE THEATER.
  
  
• The Snack Hound
  
  Do they not feed you at home? Did you just feel like getting one of everything from the snack bar because you have huge amounts of expendable income? It's bad enough I have to hear you slurp your diet cola or shuffle through your fake buttered popcorn, but could you at least get all your cellophane wrappers open before the movie starts? I like red vines as much as the next guy, but I don't want to listen to you open the package in the dark for the first ten minutes of the movie.
  
  
• The Phone Jerk
  
  When you're in the movie, turn your phone off. I don't want to hear your phone ring or see the bright glare from your phone as you reply to your "hot chat" text message for that booty call that obviously isn't going to happen. That text message, email or phone call can wait 2 hours. If it can't, maybe you shouldn't have gone to the movie to start with. If you do have to answer the call, at least leave the theater BEFORE you answer it.
  
  
• The Translator
  
  If you don't speak the language, don't go to the movie. Wait until it comes out on DVD with the appropriate subtitles. I didn't pay $10 to hear you repeat the entire movie in Spanish or some long dead Farsi dialect.
  
  
• The Sleeper
  
  If you're that tired, go home. I don't want to listen to you breathe heavy or snore because you missed your afternoon nap.
  
  
• The Moron
  
  Don't ask questions during the movie. The person you are with probably hasn't seen it either. I'm sure if you wait 3 more minutes the detail you couldn't figure out will be revealed in a way even your pea sized brain can understand.
  

This finally leads me to my biggest dread in the movie theater. The chump I refer to as:

• The Master of the Obvious
  
  Yes, we all figured it out: "The butler did it in the study with the revolver" or "Oh no, the killer is hiding under the stairs". Somehow we were all able to figure it out 10 minutes ago and keep that excitement bottled up inside. But not you, Master of the Obvious, you need to let the person you came to the theater with (as well as everyone else around you) that you finally figured it out. We get it. You crave acceptance and praise for the fact that you're mildly retarded. If I give you a gold star and a cookie will you shut up so I can watch the rest of the film?
  

(Oh, how I yearn for the days of simultaneous DVD and Theatrical release.)