Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!

So, there are lots of different ways to be "That Annoying Jackass" in the movie theater. Below is a list of the most annoying people that love to help ruin my movie going experience. Armed with this information, you will hopefully be able to avoid being the biggest jackass in the theater. (Yes, all of these are based on my personal experience in movie theaters.)

• The New Parent(s)
  
  You chose to have a baby. Next time, choose to stay home. I don't know why you think it's OK to bring your child (from crying newborn to anxious toddler) into the 10:30pm showing of an R-Rated movie. At the very least, when your kid starts to cry or can't hold still, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE THEATER.
  
  
• The Snack Hound
  
  Do they not feed you at home? Did you just feel like getting one of everything from the snack bar because you have huge amounts of expendable income? It's bad enough I have to hear you slurp your diet cola or shuffle through your fake buttered popcorn, but could you at least get all your cellophane wrappers open before the movie starts? I like red vines as much as the next guy, but I don't want to listen to you open the package in the dark for the first ten minutes of the movie.
  
  
• The Phone Jerk
  
  When you're in the movie, turn your phone off. I don't want to hear your phone ring or see the bright glare from your phone as you reply to your "hot chat" text message for that booty call that obviously isn't going to happen. That text message, email or phone call can wait 2 hours. If it can't, maybe you shouldn't have gone to the movie to start with. If you do have to answer the call, at least leave the theater BEFORE you answer it.
  
  
• The Translator
  
  If you don't speak the language, don't go to the movie. Wait until it comes out on DVD with the appropriate subtitles. I didn't pay $10 to hear you repeat the entire movie in Spanish or some long dead Farsi dialect.
  
  
• The Sleeper
  
  If you're that tired, go home. I don't want to listen to you breathe heavy or snore because you missed your afternoon nap.
  
  
• The Moron
  
  Don't ask questions during the movie. The person you are with probably hasn't seen it either. I'm sure if you wait 3 more minutes the detail you couldn't figure out will be revealed in a way even your pea sized brain can understand.
  

This finally leads me to my biggest dread in the movie theater. The chump I refer to as:

• The Master of the Obvious
  
  Yes, we all figured it out: "The butler did it in the study with the revolver" or "Oh no, the killer is hiding under the stairs". Somehow we were all able to figure it out 10 minutes ago and keep that excitement bottled up inside. But not you, Master of the Obvious, you need to let the person you came to the theater with (as well as everyone else around you) that you finally figured it out. We get it. You crave acceptance and praise for the fact that you're mildly retarded. If I give you a gold star and a cookie will you shut up so I can watch the rest of the film?
  

(Oh, how I yearn for the days of simultaneous DVD and Theatrical release.)