Lifted Trucks Are For Chumps!

What’s going on? I’m blind! I’m on a freeway one minute, next thing you know an apparent flying saucer in the sky shines its high beams in my mirror. Oh, never mind, I forgot I live on planet Earth where men have a constant need to show how “big” they are.

I live in the city, and it looks like you do too. Why do you need a truck that floats six feet above the ground? The least you can do is give me a limbo-challenge, I’m only five-eight. OK, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you do drive off-road with it. Hmm, but your truck sure looks awfully clean and scratch-free. It’s definitely American and I’m sure you park like an asshole. There also seems to be a significant amount of chrome on your “Grave Digger”. Now that I think of it, it doesn’t really make much sense to have all that chrome on a machine built for crushing cars and jumping sick and/or rad ramps.

Well, whatever the case, it must feel pretty cool being the guy who is “too special” to park in normal parking structures. It must be fulfilling to know that you pretty much ruined your chance at ever being able to sell that monster for any upper-walmart-salary amount of cash; but it’s all worth it now that you can climb up the popped collars of your run-of-the-mill douchebags and become “king” of all fuckheads.

Maybe I’m being too mean. I’m sure you don’t particularly enjoy running over children and small dogs, but knowing that you could if you wanted is enough to get you up that ladder and into the captain’s chair every morning. And you can do it in style too—with a lot of chrome.

Then again, maybe it really is a penis thing.

Cell-Phone-Related Denial Is For Chumps!

Nothing pisses me off more than some self-important douchebag lecturing me on how superior his phone carrier is to mine. It usually starts like this:

Douchebag: I heard that if you take all your intestines out, it could wrap around the moon three times.

Me: You’re an idiot.

DB: No, it’s true, I saw it on Mythbusters.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I’ll look it up on my phone, just to prove that you’re an idiot.

DB: Alright, you’ll be sorry.

Me: Crap, I don’t have reception. I guess your ignorance is safe for now.

DB: What carrier do you have?

Me: [Evil Monopolistic Telecom]

DB: OHHHHHHHH, no wonder! They’re terrible! I never get dropped calls with my phone. It’s always perfect, even inside a cave in Costa Rica. I tried it once, I swear. I had to call my buddy to tell him how awesome the new Spin Doctors album was.

Scene.

Alright, so putting aside the fact that this guy is obviously an idiot, he’s also a liar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to rant about how terrible the cell phone companies are. I’ve made peace with the fact that they can now cure cervical cancer but they still can’t work the kinks out of simple radio transmission. What I can’t make peace with is the fact that there are people on this earth that simply refuse to accept that something they paid for is less than perfect. Let's face it, if cell reception were faultless, we wouldn’t be bombarded with ads bragging how many bars they can stick in how many places (that’s not a typo).

What I’m trying to say is that your refusal to accept the realities of life isn’t helping the situation. It’s making you sound like an asshole, and more importantly, it’s making you look like a chump.