Lifted Trucks Are For Chumps!

What’s going on? I’m blind! I’m on a freeway one minute, next thing you know an apparent flying saucer in the sky shines its high beams in my mirror. Oh, never mind, I forgot I live on planet Earth where men have a constant need to show how “big” they are.

I live in the city, and it looks like you do too. Why do you need a truck that floats six feet above the ground? The least you can do is give me a limbo-challenge, I’m only five-eight. OK, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you do drive off-road with it. Hmm, but your truck sure looks awfully clean and scratch-free. It’s definitely American and I’m sure you park like an asshole. There also seems to be a significant amount of chrome on your “Grave Digger”. Now that I think of it, it doesn’t really make much sense to have all that chrome on a machine built for crushing cars and jumping sick and/or rad ramps.

Well, whatever the case, it must feel pretty cool being the guy who is “too special” to park in normal parking structures. It must be fulfilling to know that you pretty much ruined your chance at ever being able to sell that monster for any upper-walmart-salary amount of cash; but it’s all worth it now that you can climb up the popped collars of your run-of-the-mill douchebags and become “king” of all fuckheads.

Maybe I’m being too mean. I’m sure you don’t particularly enjoy running over children and small dogs, but knowing that you could if you wanted is enough to get you up that ladder and into the captain’s chair every morning. And you can do it in style too—with a lot of chrome.

Then again, maybe it really is a penis thing.

American Cars Are For Chumps!

That’s right, you heard me. Remember, this is coming from a reluctantly-public NASCAR fan (thanks Jason).

In 1908 the first Model T Ford rolled off the production line. We (Americans) were kings on four wheels. Man, we made some great cars; especially in the post-war era. Corvettes, Mustangs, Lincolns, ‘57s, we couldn’t be stopped. With the U.S.’s rise as a superpower, the American Car Industry followed suit and we were basking in its shark-finned glow.

Some time in the late seventies and early eighties things seemed to turn for the worse. American cars were growing increasingly similar to the American people—a little fat, a little dumb, and a little lazy. Refusal to accept that times were changing led large, bloated, inefficient cars when efficiency was exactly what people were looking for.

Here in the present, not much has changed. Why the fuck won’t this car turn? Why does the interior feel so cheap? Why does it perform like ass, yet still use twice the fuel as its Japanese counterpart? Sure it has a giant, shiny chrome grill in front but where’s the substance? How can it be that this compact rent-a-car-in-training has a seemingly-impressive inline-6 but still drives like a dump truck?

"You hate America", you say? Please, don’t get me started about patriotism. Since when does being patriotic mean we have to reward companies for making substandard products? I thought this country was founded on capitalism and choice? Maybe if we vote with our pocketbooks, the big three might take a hint and roll out something worth our attention.

What cars do we Yankees have to be proud of nowadays? For anything decent you have to pay upwards of fifty grand, anything less is just waiting for the “Hertz” treatment. Why is it that this (insert crappy ford/gm/chrysler here) is only worth half of what it was a year ago? Is it because nobody wants it? Let’s face it. The truth is you didn’t even want it, but Saturn promised you they wouldn’t haggle. Chump.