Nature Is For Chumps!

(And before I begin, I would like to say that I'm not including animals as part of "Nature". Animals are awesome! Except sharks, they have big teeth, don't blink, haven't evolved in millions of years and have to keep moving so they don't die. Sharks are for chumps!)

So, I just don't get the big deal about nature. I mean, I understand we need to survive and all. The production of water, oxygen, blah blah blah. But what's the big deal about going to see some giant tree in the Redwood Forest or a trip into the Grand Canyon. You go to the forest so you can drive your man made car through the man made tunnel they carved into that tree. Or you take a ridiculous donkey ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon so you jump into a sweet man made raft and ride the rapids. If I want to see a giant hole in the ground or a big pretty tree I can check it out on the Internet in the air conditioned comfort of my own home.

I've been to the Grand Canyon. It's OK I guess. But it's a giant whole in the ground that was accidentally carved by a river over millions of year. Whoopity doo! On that very same trip I went to check out the Kennecott Copper Mine in Utah. Now that was impressive. Man carved that whole in the ground by moving 17 Million Tons of ore plus all the rock they had to scrape away to get to the copper. It's so big that it's one of the few man made objects that can be seen from space. I guess I'm just much more impressed by things man has grown to accomplish over things in nature.

In the end, I guess it's nice that nature is there helping us to breath and eat and all that good stuff but come on, have you seen the frickin' iPhone. Suck it, Nature!

Flan Is For Chumps!

Oh God, what did I just eat? You told me it was a delicious, Spanish treat; but it tastes like Bill Cosby threw up his Jell-O and some joker poured honey on it. I’ve fallen for this deceit one-too-many times. It’s done, I’m not going to like it and there’s nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. “Yeah, but you’ve never tried our flan.” That’s like saying, “but you’ve never smelled my shit.”

Lifted Trucks Are For Chumps!

What’s going on? I’m blind! I’m on a freeway one minute, next thing you know an apparent flying saucer in the sky shines its high beams in my mirror. Oh, never mind, I forgot I live on planet Earth where men have a constant need to show how “big” they are.

I live in the city, and it looks like you do too. Why do you need a truck that floats six feet above the ground? The least you can do is give me a limbo-challenge, I’m only five-eight. OK, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you do drive off-road with it. Hmm, but your truck sure looks awfully clean and scratch-free. It’s definitely American and I’m sure you park like an asshole. There also seems to be a significant amount of chrome on your “Grave Digger”. Now that I think of it, it doesn’t really make much sense to have all that chrome on a machine built for crushing cars and jumping sick and/or rad ramps.

Well, whatever the case, it must feel pretty cool being the guy who is “too special” to park in normal parking structures. It must be fulfilling to know that you pretty much ruined your chance at ever being able to sell that monster for any upper-walmart-salary amount of cash; but it’s all worth it now that you can climb up the popped collars of your run-of-the-mill douchebags and become “king” of all fuckheads.

Maybe I’m being too mean. I’m sure you don’t particularly enjoy running over children and small dogs, but knowing that you could if you wanted is enough to get you up that ladder and into the captain’s chair every morning. And you can do it in style too—with a lot of chrome.

Then again, maybe it really is a penis thing.

Getting Ready In The Car "On The Way There" Is For Chumps!

Just in case no one ever told you, here are some words of advice that have helped me greatly through my 17 years as a licensed driver:

• Put on your seat belt
• Hands at 10 and 2
• Don't forget to check your mirrors
• Put your FUCKING make-up on before you leave the house
  (I rarely wear make-up, but when I do, trust me, I put it on before I leave the house.)

I will say now that this post is mostly for the Chumpettes (chumpesses?) that I see driving to work in the morning putting on their makeup using the rear view or vanity mirror in the sun visor. I have occasionally seen men putting on their ties or perhaps shaving with an electric razor (which is also just as dangerous and ridiculous) but I would have to say women do this at a ratio of about 437:1.

Ladies, what takes you so long that you can't spend 5 extra minutes before you leave the house to finish putting your makeup on? If you're taking more than 5 minutes to makeup on, you're wearing to much makeup. That extra five minutes will help keep you and everyone else on the road safe. Because, believe you me, not wearing your makeup will look way better than the Joker style grin you'll have scarred across your face after you fly through the windshield because you were more worried about getting your $14 tube of Vegas Volt lipstick on than watching for that red light.

Take it from me Chumpettes, we would much rather see you at work looking a little less put together than usual, than be run off the road by your blind lane changing because you were too busy curling your hair with some battery powered contraption you ordered from the Sky Mall catalog.

Please, just set that alarm 5 minutes earlier and everyone will be happy.

(Hell, screw the alarm, just get to work 5 minutes late. If you're looking that hot the boss will be too busy fantasizing about that mid afternoon rendezvous in the copy room to really care.)

NASA Is For Chumps!

Forgive my nostalgia kick as of late and come with me…to the eighties! I was in elementary school at the time and it was a more innocent era to say the least; a time when watching a guy in a blue jumpsuit float through the air gathered as many oohs and ahhs as seeing your first pair of real boobies.

Gee whiz, those astronauts were so cool! Look, he did a flip! OMG, he’s spinning a banana! Holy crap, he’s drinking little spheres of floating water! FUCK ME, THEIR ICE CREAM COMES IN BAR-FORM! So much excitement for such a young child, “Mrs. Roberts, may I go to the bathroom?”

Of course, looking back on it as an adult, I see how far we’ve failed to come. We’re still using that same junk-heap shuttle to launch us into the atmosphere; NASA has to take a wrench to that thing more than a Harley. The once-vaunted international space station is now a laughing stock due to its rent-control-worthy toilet. Our several attempts to gather data from Mars have come up empty of any tangible evidence of life.

And what has it gotten us? Other than velcro and a pen that writes upside-down (OMG), I can’t think of anything society has truly gained from this wasteful science other than bragging rights over Russia and China. I guess that counts for something.

In any case, the most painful element of this angry outburst has its roots firmly gripped in personal jealousy and lament. What I regret is the fact that, as an adolescent, I was never able to visit the one place where children can truly be happy. This is the single locale where smiles grow on trees and farts smell like rainbows; where pony rides cost a nickel and ice cream is dehydrated—Space Camp.

Poor Cell Phone Etiquette Is For Chumps!

Basically you can avoid being a phone chump by having some common courtesy and respect for the people around you. Here are some simple rules to follow that will help you have better cell phone etiquette.

Unless it's an emergency, don't answer the phone when you're with other people. If you do have to answer it, walk away from the group so everyone else doesn't have to stop what they're doing so you can finish your call.

Don't use your speaker phone in public. No one gives a crap about how little Johnny got a gold star in spelling this week. Take Grandma off the speaker phone, she has a hard enough time hearing you as it is.

Use your indoor voice or go somewhere you can hear the call better. Once again, no one but your girlfriend (and maybe that waitress you met at that bar last night) cares how happy you are that the "tests" came back negative.

Turn your ringer volume down or off when you're in more intimate settings like restaurants and doctors' offices. If you can't be bothered to turn your ringer off or down, at least answer the phone as soon as it rings. I don't want to hear Snoop Dogg's newest hit blaring from your cell phone while you let it ring through to voice mail or rummage through your purse to find it.

Pay attention to the road. This includes talking on the phone as well as text messaging. Nothing pisses me off more than watching people blindly change lanes, cut people off, or make a 10 point turn to get in or out of a parking space because they're too stupid or stubborn to put down the phone.

California state law says that all use of a phone in the car must be "hands free" starting July 1st, 2008. This law is already in effect in many other states or will be very soon. This means you'll need a headset of some type to talk on the phone while driving. "Hands free" does not mean you have the phone on "speaker" while holding it four inches from your face, you retarded half wit. Put the phone down, get your head out of your ass, and get both hands on the wheel.

Hang up the phone or at least excuse yourself from the phone conversation when addressing someone in the service industry. As much as you may hate to admit it, the check out clerk at the grocery store and the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's are people too. They deserve your undivided attention as they are providing YOU a service. Don't just keep blathering away with your friend Jenny about how awesome your date with Billy was last night without acknowledging the people helping you. Besides, the only reason Billy went out with you is because Jenny told him you were easy.

And please, for the sake of whatever god you may believe in, turn your phone off in the movie theater. (Please see my previous post: Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!)

In the end, it just comes down to treating other people with the same courtesy and respect you would expect the... Ah crap, I dropped my phone. I'll have to get back to you later.

American Cars Are For Chumps!

That’s right, you heard me. Remember, this is coming from a reluctantly-public NASCAR fan (thanks Jason).

In 1908 the first Model T Ford rolled off the production line. We (Americans) were kings on four wheels. Man, we made some great cars; especially in the post-war era. Corvettes, Mustangs, Lincolns, ‘57s, we couldn’t be stopped. With the U.S.’s rise as a superpower, the American Car Industry followed suit and we were basking in its shark-finned glow.

Some time in the late seventies and early eighties things seemed to turn for the worse. American cars were growing increasingly similar to the American people—a little fat, a little dumb, and a little lazy. Refusal to accept that times were changing led large, bloated, inefficient cars when efficiency was exactly what people were looking for.

Here in the present, not much has changed. Why the fuck won’t this car turn? Why does the interior feel so cheap? Why does it perform like ass, yet still use twice the fuel as its Japanese counterpart? Sure it has a giant, shiny chrome grill in front but where’s the substance? How can it be that this compact rent-a-car-in-training has a seemingly-impressive inline-6 but still drives like a dump truck?

"You hate America", you say? Please, don’t get me started about patriotism. Since when does being patriotic mean we have to reward companies for making substandard products? I thought this country was founded on capitalism and choice? Maybe if we vote with our pocketbooks, the big three might take a hint and roll out something worth our attention.

What cars do we Yankees have to be proud of nowadays? For anything decent you have to pay upwards of fifty grand, anything less is just waiting for the “Hertz” treatment. Why is it that this (insert crappy ford/gm/chrysler here) is only worth half of what it was a year ago? Is it because nobody wants it? Let’s face it. The truth is you didn’t even want it, but Saturn promised you they wouldn’t haggle. Chump.

Parking Like An A$$hole Is For Chumps!

Here is a list of people who deserve to have their cars keyed, windows or tail lights smashed, or their tires slashed for their Chump moves when it comes to parking:

• Non-handicapped people that park in handicapped spaces, people that park in the red zone, or people who think it's OK to park in front of a fire hydrant. (These are a gimmes.)
  
• People that park right in front of the store, blocking the walkway/entrance (usually in a red zone, often leaving the car running) because they are just running in for something real quick.
  
  
• The guy (or soccer mom) in the giant truck or SUV whose car doesn't fit in the space. You chose to drive an oversized, gas guzzling, monster of a car. Choose to walk the extra 100 yards from the spot that your car might actually fit in. Or, better yet, get a car you can actually handle driving.
  
  
  


• The guy that parks in the "not a spot" because he's too lazy to look for a real space. Thanks for inconveniencing the rest of us by narrowing the already too tiny aisle.
  
  
• The new car owner that doesn't want door dings so he decides to straddle the line and take up two spaces or even worse pulls in diagonally or perpendicular to the lines and take 3 or more spaces. You're car is going to get dented and scratched eventually. Besides, the giant "Douche Bag" I scratch in the side of your car will look way worse than a tiny door ding.
  
  
• The guy just dropping off his rent check, groceries, a pizza, etc. that parks in MY space because it's closer and it was empty when he got there. Uh, eff you pal! I pay for that space. Move your piece of shit out of my spot and have some respect. I've had multiple cars towed out of my spot before. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing someone come back and find their car missing. I hope they learned an expensive lesson.

Just remember, as many times as your mommy might tell you, you're not special. You're not more important than everyone else on the road. Have some respect for your fellow man and show some common courtesy towards others. Just don't do what's most convenient for you and damn the consequences. Some day you may come back and find for flat tires, two broken tail lights, and "CHUMP" etched into the door of your car.

Cell-Phone-Related Denial Is For Chumps!

Nothing pisses me off more than some self-important douchebag lecturing me on how superior his phone carrier is to mine. It usually starts like this:

Douchebag: I heard that if you take all your intestines out, it could wrap around the moon three times.

Me: You’re an idiot.

DB: No, it’s true, I saw it on Mythbusters.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I’ll look it up on my phone, just to prove that you’re an idiot.

DB: Alright, you’ll be sorry.

Me: Crap, I don’t have reception. I guess your ignorance is safe for now.

DB: What carrier do you have?

Me: [Evil Monopolistic Telecom]

DB: OHHHHHHHH, no wonder! They’re terrible! I never get dropped calls with my phone. It’s always perfect, even inside a cave in Costa Rica. I tried it once, I swear. I had to call my buddy to tell him how awesome the new Spin Doctors album was.

Scene.

Alright, so putting aside the fact that this guy is obviously an idiot, he’s also a liar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to rant about how terrible the cell phone companies are. I’ve made peace with the fact that they can now cure cervical cancer but they still can’t work the kinks out of simple radio transmission. What I can’t make peace with is the fact that there are people on this earth that simply refuse to accept that something they paid for is less than perfect. Let's face it, if cell reception were faultless, we wouldn’t be bombarded with ads bragging how many bars they can stick in how many places (that’s not a typo).

What I’m trying to say is that your refusal to accept the realities of life isn’t helping the situation. It’s making you sound like an asshole, and more importantly, it’s making you look like a chump.

Myspace.com Is For Chumps!

I really can't understand how Myspace.com has become such a big deal in the Internet world. Anytime I'm forced to go there to hunt down some information, I feel like I'm going to have a seizure. Are people so totally desperate to make "friends" and be accepted that they are happy to use a piece of mediocre software to design a "web page" in the hopes that old high school friends can track them down. No one is looking for you to reconnect. If they had liked you at all they would have made an effort to keep in touch all along. All Myspace is now is a popularity contest to see who can make the most friends they'll never actually meet.

I'll admit that the original intent of Myspace was a great idea. A place for up and coming bands to create a web presence and gain a fan base without the help of big record labels. But what Myspace has become is the rotting afterbirth of that well intentioned social music site. Now any 6th grader with the access to mommy's PC and basic reading skills thinks they should venture out on the Inter-tubes and make themselves a website. What you've made my friend is not a website. It's the electronic equivalent of the shitty crayon drawing of what was supposed to be an elephant that your parents hung on the fridge when you were two. Semi-opaque background images, repeating fairy wallpaper and fluorescent green text on a pink background do not a website make.

Leave the web design to people that took the time to learn how to do it the right way. You stick with the finger painting. I'm sure you're mom still has room on the fridge next to your 4th grade report card that has the happy face in "recess".

The Race To The White House Is For Chumps!

I’m completely gripped by politics. I have been for years, but this year was extraordinary. After each primary this year, I’ve caught myself intently listening to NPR on my way to the gym and impatiently turning on CNN after I get home. But now something has changed—I’m tired. Sure it started off well enough. Two of the most dynamic contenders entered the race to become the Democratic nominee. People lauded it for the historical implications. No matter what, history would be made—the first female nominee or the first black nominee. This is going to be so awesome, right? Not so fast.

Now after getting eyestrain from watching a close race go through fifty states, not to mention Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, my buzz is starting to wear off. I need a nap.

Have no fear, though. I have a feeling that this is going to end up just like those familiar Saturday morning promises I frequently make to myself—“Oh fuck, what happened last night? *groan* I’m never drinking again.” Well, this appletini in my left hand begs to differ. Worry not, Barack, I’ll be ready to party again next weekend.

And now, for your viewing pleasure:

Cutting Random Bits Of Sound Out Of The Theatrical Release Of Your Film To Fight Piracy Is For Chumps!

I have enough trouble mustering up the energy to deal with all the shenanigans that go on at the movie theater these days. (See my previous post Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!) Now Paramount has seen fit to mount a new campaign to fight movie piracy in the theaters. I had heard rumors that this was happening but experienced it myself first hand. Last night, I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and noticed in more than one spot bits of the soundtrack had been cut. I guess this is a new form of tagging the film so that pirated copies can be traced back to an individual theater.

What the f*ck Paramount? I paid somewhere between $8.50 and $11 to see your mediocre movie. Don't punish me further for someone else's mistake. Why would you want to degrade my already taxing movie going experience? If I'm going to be forced to see a sub par version of the film I might as well wait and buy it from some guy selling burned copies out of the trunk of his Dodge Stratus or to download it from the intranet pirates you are so desperately trying to stop.

Now that I know that this new anti-piracy tactic is being used it will make me think even harder about whether dealing with all the movie theater bullshit is really worth it. Stop worrying so much about stopping movie piracy and start working to make your films better so people will actually want to go to the theater and see them.

Screw you Paramount and screw you movie theater chains that support this ridiculous anti-piracy tactic!

Being Dragged By Your Significant Other To See the "Sex In The City" Movie Without The Promise of "Special" Sexual Favors Is For Chumps!

(and even then you had better just slept in the theater or at least gotten a handy during the opening credits.)



If you couldn't come up with some excuse to NOT see the Sex In The City movie this weekend, you my friend are a super chump! You deserve whatever hellish nightmares now run through your head after sitting through 145 minutes of pure drivel. Just think of all the better things you could have done during that 2 hrs and 25 minutes:

• Washed your car
  
• Slept
  
• Called your Grandmother (collect obviously) that you haven't talked to in month
• Seen any other movie that's ever been made
  
• Gouged your eyes out with cocktail umbrellas
  
• Hung yourself from your back skin from giant hooks in the garage
  
• Basically anything...
  

Guys, if any women out there ever belittles you for waiting in line with your friends to see Star Wars, you just point out to them how women were lined up in the streets dressed in their fanciest knock-off designer fashions and drinking their Cosmo's waiting for this piece of crap to start.

Just think about this ladies. If your beloved Sex In The City was a show about men acting the way these women do, every pro woman organization out there would be rioting in the streets, protesting how the show treats women and how the show is a horrible example to men everywhere. Shame on you, ladies. Shame on you!

And for all you ladies out there under the false impression that Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive. Check This Out.

Not Checking Out TheSmartReviews.com Is For Chumps!

Not satisfied with pontificating on all points minute and ephemeral, some of your favorite bloggers to ForChumps.com and TheSmartPatrol.net have started a another blog dedicated to the pursuit of filthy lucre.

The Smart Reviews is just that, smart (as in informed, smart alecky, and smart assed) reviews of all the things that we use, are exposed to or have anything more than a passing interest in reviewing.

Like music... We love telling other people that the crap on their iPods is crap.

Or gadgets... We are not married, don't have kids or drug habits, so where do you think all the money goes?

There are a lot of sites out there that have tech or music or movie reviews, but only one site dares to call itself The Smart Reviews... mostly because we got the domain name before someone else did.

Please check us out, we're reviewing stuff all the time so you don't have to.

Also we're gonna give stuff away, but that's a secret.
And we have a twitter feed (if you don't know what that is, don't worry you don't need it)

At The Smart Reviews we don't let the fact that we have no idea what we're talking about stop us from having a strong opinion about it. Check it out and tell your friends.