"Leet" & Text Speak Are For Chumps!

(Update: I recently started watching the show Californication starring Davie Duchovny. The scene featured above seemed very appropriate for this post so I thought I would update it. All I can say is, Amen Brother!!!)

In keeping with today's theme of "netiquette", I thought I would cover something that's bothered me for a long time. I understand in this age of free WiFi, high speed Internet, and instant communication we want to spread news and greetings as quickly as possible. But, unless you're stuck using a normal 10 key cell phone for texting (If you are, GET A NEW PHONE!), there's no need for fancy text and IM lingo.

I'm assuming the people who you are talking to are listening/reading because they want to hear from you. They will be willing to wait that few extra seconds for you to form a full thought in your head and type it out. Learning to type correctly with proper spelling, grammar and punctuation will be an invaluable tool that will help you the rest of your life.

Writing in "leet" speak makes you look like an ignorant douche who watched the Matrix and Hackers too many times while you were waiting for your buddies to show up for your LAN party with that case of Mt. Dew they promised you for hosting this week. Billy's mom got real mad about the Cheetos dust that wouldn't vacuum out of the shag carpet in the basement last weekend.

When you have a full QWERTY keyboard phone or you're instant messaging on your PC, there's no reason to use things like "rofl" or "ttyl". You aren't rolling on the floor laughing and maybe you will talk to me later but take the time to explain that you found something amusing or wish me a fond farewell. Let that person you're talking to know that you care enough to write in proper English. (Or whatever language you speak.) Go ahead and show off that community college education.

Hell, I had to learn to type on a typewriter in high school and perfected touch typing on my Apple IIe. There has to be a free typing tutor site out there on the web these days or you could even pony up a few bucks and pass them on to Mavis Beacon.

(While you're at it, stop typing in all caps and don't forward me your spam emails. Trust I'm not going to read them anyway.)

Rock Tumbling Is For Chumps!

I don’t know what it was, but as child I would practically shit my pants at the site of a shiny, smooth rock. What was it about shiny rocks as a child that compelled me to such heights of “specialness”? I know I’m not alone here. I remember looking through children’s science magazines as an adolescent and there was always an ad for some cheap rock tumbler, allowing me to do-it-myself (ZOMG!).

The climax of such wonder-seizures habitually occurred when I stepped foot in the “Natural Wonders” store at the mall. It was an orgy of rain sticks, gyroscopes, and albums called “Whale Songs.” They even had a type of gumball machine where you could put a quarter in and donate to the rainforest; and do you know what came out? Satisfaction!

Now I see the error of my youthful ways. No more, my friend! I’ll leave the rock tumbling business to the professionals. These forward-thinking entrepreneurs figured out a way to steal three dollars from unsuspecting customers, only to fill that hole with an invaluable knick knack with which they can adorn the inside of their junk drawers. Cheers to you, my capitalist friend, but I’ve moved on to collectible spoons.

Nature Is For Chumps!

(And before I begin, I would like to say that I'm not including animals as part of "Nature". Animals are awesome! Except sharks, they have big teeth, don't blink, haven't evolved in millions of years and have to keep moving so they don't die. Sharks are for chumps!)

So, I just don't get the big deal about nature. I mean, I understand we need to survive and all. The production of water, oxygen, blah blah blah. But what's the big deal about going to see some giant tree in the Redwood Forest or a trip into the Grand Canyon. You go to the forest so you can drive your man made car through the man made tunnel they carved into that tree. Or you take a ridiculous donkey ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon so you jump into a sweet man made raft and ride the rapids. If I want to see a giant hole in the ground or a big pretty tree I can check it out on the Internet in the air conditioned comfort of my own home.

I've been to the Grand Canyon. It's OK I guess. But it's a giant whole in the ground that was accidentally carved by a river over millions of year. Whoopity doo! On that very same trip I went to check out the Kennecott Copper Mine in Utah. Now that was impressive. Man carved that whole in the ground by moving 17 Million Tons of ore plus all the rock they had to scrape away to get to the copper. It's so big that it's one of the few man made objects that can be seen from space. I guess I'm just much more impressed by things man has grown to accomplish over things in nature.

In the end, I guess it's nice that nature is there helping us to breath and eat and all that good stuff but come on, have you seen the frickin' iPhone. Suck it, Nature!

Flan Is For Chumps!

Oh God, what did I just eat? You told me it was a delicious, Spanish treat; but it tastes like Bill Cosby threw up his Jell-O and some joker poured honey on it. I’ve fallen for this deceit one-too-many times. It’s done, I’m not going to like it and there’s nothing you can do to convince me otherwise. “Yeah, but you’ve never tried our flan.” That’s like saying, “but you’ve never smelled my shit.”

Lifted Trucks Are For Chumps!

What’s going on? I’m blind! I’m on a freeway one minute, next thing you know an apparent flying saucer in the sky shines its high beams in my mirror. Oh, never mind, I forgot I live on planet Earth where men have a constant need to show how “big” they are.

I live in the city, and it looks like you do too. Why do you need a truck that floats six feet above the ground? The least you can do is give me a limbo-challenge, I’m only five-eight. OK, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, maybe you do drive off-road with it. Hmm, but your truck sure looks awfully clean and scratch-free. It’s definitely American and I’m sure you park like an asshole. There also seems to be a significant amount of chrome on your “Grave Digger”. Now that I think of it, it doesn’t really make much sense to have all that chrome on a machine built for crushing cars and jumping sick and/or rad ramps.

Well, whatever the case, it must feel pretty cool being the guy who is “too special” to park in normal parking structures. It must be fulfilling to know that you pretty much ruined your chance at ever being able to sell that monster for any upper-walmart-salary amount of cash; but it’s all worth it now that you can climb up the popped collars of your run-of-the-mill douchebags and become “king” of all fuckheads.

Maybe I’m being too mean. I’m sure you don’t particularly enjoy running over children and small dogs, but knowing that you could if you wanted is enough to get you up that ladder and into the captain’s chair every morning. And you can do it in style too—with a lot of chrome.

Then again, maybe it really is a penis thing.

Getting Ready In The Car "On The Way There" Is For Chumps!

Just in case no one ever told you, here are some words of advice that have helped me greatly through my 17 years as a licensed driver:

• Put on your seat belt
• Hands at 10 and 2
• Don't forget to check your mirrors
• Put your FUCKING make-up on before you leave the house
  (I rarely wear make-up, but when I do, trust me, I put it on before I leave the house.)

I will say now that this post is mostly for the Chumpettes (chumpesses?) that I see driving to work in the morning putting on their makeup using the rear view or vanity mirror in the sun visor. I have occasionally seen men putting on their ties or perhaps shaving with an electric razor (which is also just as dangerous and ridiculous) but I would have to say women do this at a ratio of about 437:1.

Ladies, what takes you so long that you can't spend 5 extra minutes before you leave the house to finish putting your makeup on? If you're taking more than 5 minutes to makeup on, you're wearing to much makeup. That extra five minutes will help keep you and everyone else on the road safe. Because, believe you me, not wearing your makeup will look way better than the Joker style grin you'll have scarred across your face after you fly through the windshield because you were more worried about getting your $14 tube of Vegas Volt lipstick on than watching for that red light.

Take it from me Chumpettes, we would much rather see you at work looking a little less put together than usual, than be run off the road by your blind lane changing because you were too busy curling your hair with some battery powered contraption you ordered from the Sky Mall catalog.

Please, just set that alarm 5 minutes earlier and everyone will be happy.

(Hell, screw the alarm, just get to work 5 minutes late. If you're looking that hot the boss will be too busy fantasizing about that mid afternoon rendezvous in the copy room to really care.)

NASA Is For Chumps!

Forgive my nostalgia kick as of late and come with me…to the eighties! I was in elementary school at the time and it was a more innocent era to say the least; a time when watching a guy in a blue jumpsuit float through the air gathered as many oohs and ahhs as seeing your first pair of real boobies.

Gee whiz, those astronauts were so cool! Look, he did a flip! OMG, he’s spinning a banana! Holy crap, he’s drinking little spheres of floating water! FUCK ME, THEIR ICE CREAM COMES IN BAR-FORM! So much excitement for such a young child, “Mrs. Roberts, may I go to the bathroom?”

Of course, looking back on it as an adult, I see how far we’ve failed to come. We’re still using that same junk-heap shuttle to launch us into the atmosphere; NASA has to take a wrench to that thing more than a Harley. The once-vaunted international space station is now a laughing stock due to its rent-control-worthy toilet. Our several attempts to gather data from Mars have come up empty of any tangible evidence of life.

And what has it gotten us? Other than velcro and a pen that writes upside-down (OMG), I can’t think of anything society has truly gained from this wasteful science other than bragging rights over Russia and China. I guess that counts for something.

In any case, the most painful element of this angry outburst has its roots firmly gripped in personal jealousy and lament. What I regret is the fact that, as an adolescent, I was never able to visit the one place where children can truly be happy. This is the single locale where smiles grow on trees and farts smell like rainbows; where pony rides cost a nickel and ice cream is dehydrated—Space Camp.

Poor Cell Phone Etiquette Is For Chumps!

Basically you can avoid being a phone chump by having some common courtesy and respect for the people around you. Here are some simple rules to follow that will help you have better cell phone etiquette.

Unless it's an emergency, don't answer the phone when you're with other people. If you do have to answer it, walk away from the group so everyone else doesn't have to stop what they're doing so you can finish your call.

Don't use your speaker phone in public. No one gives a crap about how little Johnny got a gold star in spelling this week. Take Grandma off the speaker phone, she has a hard enough time hearing you as it is.

Use your indoor voice or go somewhere you can hear the call better. Once again, no one but your girlfriend (and maybe that waitress you met at that bar last night) cares how happy you are that the "tests" came back negative.

Turn your ringer volume down or off when you're in more intimate settings like restaurants and doctors' offices. If you can't be bothered to turn your ringer off or down, at least answer the phone as soon as it rings. I don't want to hear Snoop Dogg's newest hit blaring from your cell phone while you let it ring through to voice mail or rummage through your purse to find it.

Pay attention to the road. This includes talking on the phone as well as text messaging. Nothing pisses me off more than watching people blindly change lanes, cut people off, or make a 10 point turn to get in or out of a parking space because they're too stupid or stubborn to put down the phone.

California state law says that all use of a phone in the car must be "hands free" starting July 1st, 2008. This law is already in effect in many other states or will be very soon. This means you'll need a headset of some type to talk on the phone while driving. "Hands free" does not mean you have the phone on "speaker" while holding it four inches from your face, you retarded half wit. Put the phone down, get your head out of your ass, and get both hands on the wheel.

Hang up the phone or at least excuse yourself from the phone conversation when addressing someone in the service industry. As much as you may hate to admit it, the check out clerk at the grocery store and the drive-thru attendant at McDonald's are people too. They deserve your undivided attention as they are providing YOU a service. Don't just keep blathering away with your friend Jenny about how awesome your date with Billy was last night without acknowledging the people helping you. Besides, the only reason Billy went out with you is because Jenny told him you were easy.

And please, for the sake of whatever god you may believe in, turn your phone off in the movie theater. (Please see my previous post: Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!)

In the end, it just comes down to treating other people with the same courtesy and respect you would expect the... Ah crap, I dropped my phone. I'll have to get back to you later.

American Cars Are For Chumps!

That’s right, you heard me. Remember, this is coming from a reluctantly-public NASCAR fan (thanks Jason).

In 1908 the first Model T Ford rolled off the production line. We (Americans) were kings on four wheels. Man, we made some great cars; especially in the post-war era. Corvettes, Mustangs, Lincolns, ‘57s, we couldn’t be stopped. With the U.S.’s rise as a superpower, the American Car Industry followed suit and we were basking in its shark-finned glow.

Some time in the late seventies and early eighties things seemed to turn for the worse. American cars were growing increasingly similar to the American people—a little fat, a little dumb, and a little lazy. Refusal to accept that times were changing led large, bloated, inefficient cars when efficiency was exactly what people were looking for.

Here in the present, not much has changed. Why the fuck won’t this car turn? Why does the interior feel so cheap? Why does it perform like ass, yet still use twice the fuel as its Japanese counterpart? Sure it has a giant, shiny chrome grill in front but where’s the substance? How can it be that this compact rent-a-car-in-training has a seemingly-impressive inline-6 but still drives like a dump truck?

"You hate America", you say? Please, don’t get me started about patriotism. Since when does being patriotic mean we have to reward companies for making substandard products? I thought this country was founded on capitalism and choice? Maybe if we vote with our pocketbooks, the big three might take a hint and roll out something worth our attention.

What cars do we Yankees have to be proud of nowadays? For anything decent you have to pay upwards of fifty grand, anything less is just waiting for the “Hertz” treatment. Why is it that this (insert crappy ford/gm/chrysler here) is only worth half of what it was a year ago? Is it because nobody wants it? Let’s face it. The truth is you didn’t even want it, but Saturn promised you they wouldn’t haggle. Chump.

Parking Like An A$$hole Is For Chumps!

Here is a list of people who deserve to have their cars keyed, windows or tail lights smashed, or their tires slashed for their Chump moves when it comes to parking:

• Non-handicapped people that park in handicapped spaces, people that park in the red zone, or people who think it's OK to park in front of a fire hydrant. (These are a gimmes.)
  
• People that park right in front of the store, blocking the walkway/entrance (usually in a red zone, often leaving the car running) because they are just running in for something real quick.
  
  
• The guy (or soccer mom) in the giant truck or SUV whose car doesn't fit in the space. You chose to drive an oversized, gas guzzling, monster of a car. Choose to walk the extra 100 yards from the spot that your car might actually fit in. Or, better yet, get a car you can actually handle driving.
  
  
  


• The guy that parks in the "not a spot" because he's too lazy to look for a real space. Thanks for inconveniencing the rest of us by narrowing the already too tiny aisle.
  
  
• The new car owner that doesn't want door dings so he decides to straddle the line and take up two spaces or even worse pulls in diagonally or perpendicular to the lines and take 3 or more spaces. You're car is going to get dented and scratched eventually. Besides, the giant "Douche Bag" I scratch in the side of your car will look way worse than a tiny door ding.
  
  
• The guy just dropping off his rent check, groceries, a pizza, etc. that parks in MY space because it's closer and it was empty when he got there. Uh, eff you pal! I pay for that space. Move your piece of shit out of my spot and have some respect. I've had multiple cars towed out of my spot before. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing someone come back and find their car missing. I hope they learned an expensive lesson.

Just remember, as many times as your mommy might tell you, you're not special. You're not more important than everyone else on the road. Have some respect for your fellow man and show some common courtesy towards others. Just don't do what's most convenient for you and damn the consequences. Some day you may come back and find for flat tires, two broken tail lights, and "CHUMP" etched into the door of your car.

Cell-Phone-Related Denial Is For Chumps!

Nothing pisses me off more than some self-important douchebag lecturing me on how superior his phone carrier is to mine. It usually starts like this:

Douchebag: I heard that if you take all your intestines out, it could wrap around the moon three times.

Me: You’re an idiot.

DB: No, it’s true, I saw it on Mythbusters.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I’ll look it up on my phone, just to prove that you’re an idiot.

DB: Alright, you’ll be sorry.

Me: Crap, I don’t have reception. I guess your ignorance is safe for now.

DB: What carrier do you have?

Me: [Evil Monopolistic Telecom]

DB: OHHHHHHHH, no wonder! They’re terrible! I never get dropped calls with my phone. It’s always perfect, even inside a cave in Costa Rica. I tried it once, I swear. I had to call my buddy to tell him how awesome the new Spin Doctors album was.

Scene.

Alright, so putting aside the fact that this guy is obviously an idiot, he’s also a liar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not here to rant about how terrible the cell phone companies are. I’ve made peace with the fact that they can now cure cervical cancer but they still can’t work the kinks out of simple radio transmission. What I can’t make peace with is the fact that there are people on this earth that simply refuse to accept that something they paid for is less than perfect. Let's face it, if cell reception were faultless, we wouldn’t be bombarded with ads bragging how many bars they can stick in how many places (that’s not a typo).

What I’m trying to say is that your refusal to accept the realities of life isn’t helping the situation. It’s making you sound like an asshole, and more importantly, it’s making you look like a chump.

Myspace.com Is For Chumps!

I really can't understand how Myspace.com has become such a big deal in the Internet world. Anytime I'm forced to go there to hunt down some information, I feel like I'm going to have a seizure. Are people so totally desperate to make "friends" and be accepted that they are happy to use a piece of mediocre software to design a "web page" in the hopes that old high school friends can track them down. No one is looking for you to reconnect. If they had liked you at all they would have made an effort to keep in touch all along. All Myspace is now is a popularity contest to see who can make the most friends they'll never actually meet.

I'll admit that the original intent of Myspace was a great idea. A place for up and coming bands to create a web presence and gain a fan base without the help of big record labels. But what Myspace has become is the rotting afterbirth of that well intentioned social music site. Now any 6th grader with the access to mommy's PC and basic reading skills thinks they should venture out on the Inter-tubes and make themselves a website. What you've made my friend is not a website. It's the electronic equivalent of the shitty crayon drawing of what was supposed to be an elephant that your parents hung on the fridge when you were two. Semi-opaque background images, repeating fairy wallpaper and fluorescent green text on a pink background do not a website make.

Leave the web design to people that took the time to learn how to do it the right way. You stick with the finger painting. I'm sure you're mom still has room on the fridge next to your 4th grade report card that has the happy face in "recess".

The Race To The White House Is For Chumps!

I’m completely gripped by politics. I have been for years, but this year was extraordinary. After each primary this year, I’ve caught myself intently listening to NPR on my way to the gym and impatiently turning on CNN after I get home. But now something has changed—I’m tired. Sure it started off well enough. Two of the most dynamic contenders entered the race to become the Democratic nominee. People lauded it for the historical implications. No matter what, history would be made—the first female nominee or the first black nominee. This is going to be so awesome, right? Not so fast.

Now after getting eyestrain from watching a close race go through fifty states, not to mention Guam, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands, my buzz is starting to wear off. I need a nap.

Have no fear, though. I have a feeling that this is going to end up just like those familiar Saturday morning promises I frequently make to myself—“Oh fuck, what happened last night? *groan* I’m never drinking again.” Well, this appletini in my left hand begs to differ. Worry not, Barack, I’ll be ready to party again next weekend.

And now, for your viewing pleasure:

Cutting Random Bits Of Sound Out Of The Theatrical Release Of Your Film To Fight Piracy Is For Chumps!

I have enough trouble mustering up the energy to deal with all the shenanigans that go on at the movie theater these days. (See my previous post Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!) Now Paramount has seen fit to mount a new campaign to fight movie piracy in the theaters. I had heard rumors that this was happening but experienced it myself first hand. Last night, I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and noticed in more than one spot bits of the soundtrack had been cut. I guess this is a new form of tagging the film so that pirated copies can be traced back to an individual theater.

What the f*ck Paramount? I paid somewhere between $8.50 and $11 to see your mediocre movie. Don't punish me further for someone else's mistake. Why would you want to degrade my already taxing movie going experience? If I'm going to be forced to see a sub par version of the film I might as well wait and buy it from some guy selling burned copies out of the trunk of his Dodge Stratus or to download it from the intranet pirates you are so desperately trying to stop.

Now that I know that this new anti-piracy tactic is being used it will make me think even harder about whether dealing with all the movie theater bullshit is really worth it. Stop worrying so much about stopping movie piracy and start working to make your films better so people will actually want to go to the theater and see them.

Screw you Paramount and screw you movie theater chains that support this ridiculous anti-piracy tactic!

Being Dragged By Your Significant Other To See the "Sex In The City" Movie Without The Promise of "Special" Sexual Favors Is For Chumps!

(and even then you had better just slept in the theater or at least gotten a handy during the opening credits.)



If you couldn't come up with some excuse to NOT see the Sex In The City movie this weekend, you my friend are a super chump! You deserve whatever hellish nightmares now run through your head after sitting through 145 minutes of pure drivel. Just think of all the better things you could have done during that 2 hrs and 25 minutes:

• Washed your car
  
• Slept
  
• Called your Grandmother (collect obviously) that you haven't talked to in month
• Seen any other movie that's ever been made
  
• Gouged your eyes out with cocktail umbrellas
  
• Hung yourself from your back skin from giant hooks in the garage
  
• Basically anything...
  

Guys, if any women out there ever belittles you for waiting in line with your friends to see Star Wars, you just point out to them how women were lined up in the streets dressed in their fanciest knock-off designer fashions and drinking their Cosmo's waiting for this piece of crap to start.

Just think about this ladies. If your beloved Sex In The City was a show about men acting the way these women do, every pro woman organization out there would be rioting in the streets, protesting how the show treats women and how the show is a horrible example to men everywhere. Shame on you, ladies. Shame on you!

And for all you ladies out there under the false impression that Sarah Jessica Parker is attractive. Check This Out.

Not Checking Out TheSmartReviews.com Is For Chumps!

Not satisfied with pontificating on all points minute and ephemeral, some of your favorite bloggers to ForChumps.com and TheSmartPatrol.net have started a another blog dedicated to the pursuit of filthy lucre.

The Smart Reviews is just that, smart (as in informed, smart alecky, and smart assed) reviews of all the things that we use, are exposed to or have anything more than a passing interest in reviewing.

Like music... We love telling other people that the crap on their iPods is crap.

Or gadgets... We are not married, don't have kids or drug habits, so where do you think all the money goes?

There are a lot of sites out there that have tech or music or movie reviews, but only one site dares to call itself The Smart Reviews... mostly because we got the domain name before someone else did.

Please check us out, we're reviewing stuff all the time so you don't have to.

Also we're gonna give stuff away, but that's a secret.
And we have a twitter feed (if you don't know what that is, don't worry you don't need it)

At The Smart Reviews we don't let the fact that we have no idea what we're talking about stop us from having a strong opinion about it. Check it out and tell your friends.

"Cash Only" Is For Chump!

Why in the world would anyone bother owning or operating a business these days without being able to take credit and debit payments? I understand that there are often charges associated with providing this kind of service. But come on, if you as the business owner can't afford to pay for a credit card machine, at least pass the service charge onto me. It's way more convenient for me to pay you 25 cents for a transaction than leave your business to find an ATM. If I have to leave, I'm not coming back, and you just lost a sale. Trust me, when I plan to spend money, I don't mess around.

I'm not one to carry much cash on me. Carrying cash makes it 100% more possible that I might lose said cash. If I'm not carrying it, I can't lose it. I may lose my wallet with all my cards in it but at least then I can make a phone call and verify my money's safe.

The old days of "Cash is King" are long gone. Cash is crap! I say, "All Hail Lady Visa and Lord Master Card." The American green back is worth little to nothing these days. Wealth is really only judged by how many 1's and 0's are floating around in your online bank account. Pretty soon we'll be able to pay for stuff just using our thumb prints or the RFID tag embedded under the skin in our palms.

Just remember small business owner, as you're getting high off that new Sharpie, writing you're "Cash Only" sign to scotch tape into the window, in the new world "Cash Only" translates into "No Sale".

(The only reason to prefer "cash only" is if you're avoiding paying taxes. Because if there's one thing that's definitely not for chumps, it's sticking it to the man!)

"Reply To All" Is For Chumps!

Anybody who has worked in any corporate environment knows about the dreaded “Reply To All” button. Yes, it has its uses, but more often than not it is abused. And when it is abused, it’s painful—agonizingly painful.

So here at the company where Mr. Kamikaze and I allegedly work, once in a while we will get an email addressed to the entire company. This morning we got one of those, but there was one problem—it was a mistake. What proceeded afterward were three hours (so far) and two hundred emails (so far) of hell. I give you the top ten:

10. Was this e-mail meant for me?

9. I think you sent this to me by mistake.

8. I think you sent this to the wrong person!!!!!

7. Is this a virus? I'm sending to Spam and my IT person

6. PLEASE stop replying to all.. thanks

5. OMG!!! I think the world is coming to an end! Please stop replying!....

4. !!!!!!! EVERYBODY…STOP REPLYING TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I just wanted to be a part of the email action!

2. Who are all you people?

1. GO LAKERS!!!

Failing To Subscribe To Our RSS Feed Is For Chumps!

Just as a reminder to all you technologically-advanced chumps out there, please subscribe to our RSS feed by clicking here. If you don't know what an RSS feed is, it's an address you can put into an RSS reader like Google Reader, Outlook, Firefox, Internet Explorer 7, and many others. It basically allows for instant access to our new chumposts as soon as we add them.

If you want more info, I highly recommend Google Reader and you can read more about it here. So go ahead and subscribe, it's probably one of the least-chumpy things you'll ever do.

Car Alarms Are For Chumps!

In this day and age, are car alarms really anything more than an annoyance? I know I don't give a second thought when I hear a car alarm going off anymore. I do a give a first thought, it's how I want to go smash in the windows of the car whose alarm won't stop, so at least it's going off for a legitimate reason. Especially when it's the fifth time it's woken me up in the middle of the night and it's obvious even the owner doesn't care that his car is being broken into anymore.

Any car thief worth his salt is going to know how to do what he needs to do before the alarm actually "alarms" anyone or know how to turn the alarm off.

The top 10 things that set off car alarms 99.9% more often than thieves:

1. The neighborhood cat whose paw prints you find on your windshield in the morning
   
   
2. A motorcycle or old car with loud "pipes"
   
   
3. An earthquake
   
   
4. A large delivery truck driving by
   
   
5. Bored youth looking for a laugh (aka Hooligans)
   
   
6. Rogue shopping carts
   
   
7. Falling leaves or branches from the tree you parked under
   
   
8. The soccer mom fumbling for the keys in her purse
   (She never bothered to learn how to turn the alarm off on the new Denali. An obvious guilt gift from the husband to save an already dead marriage after being caught sleeping with the new secretary. It was cheaper than the divorce settlement.)
   
   
9. The jerk-off who drives by who spent more on the bass for his car stereo than the car itself
   
   
10. A stiff breeze
    
    

Agree that car alarms are for chumps?
Click here to check out the trailer for Noise starring Tim Robbins.

Disagree that car alarms are for chumps? You're wrong.
Click here to check out the trailer for Noise starring Tim Robbins.

Movies About Treasure Are For Chumps!

I'm done, it's over, no more. I'm officially retiring from the "Treasure Movie" genre. I keep waiting for one of them to surprise me but it keeps coming down to the same routine. I blame Indy, he started this mess. George Lucas rejuvenated the treasure-hunting genre back in the 80s and now it's snowballed into a monster. Tomb Raider, The Mummy, National Fucking Treasure. I'll admit it, a few of those horse-beaten movies might have been entertaining, but after seeing the latest edition of everyone's favorite ophidiophobic, Indiana Jones, I've had it.

No More Leather Jackets: I don't get it, have any of you actually been to the Sahara or the Amazon rainforest? It's not exactly sweater-weather over there. That is, of course, unless you enjoy looking and feeling like a sweaty Robin Williams. I'm just glad they didn't use a leather jacket to cover Angelina's giant knockers.

Ancient People Weren't That Smart: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there has ever been a case where an archaeologist placed a key in a hole and a two-ton rock wall automatically moved. I still sometimes slam my face into the automatic door at Target and you're expecting me to believe that some four-thousand-year-old civilization perfected the science?

WTF is "Power"? In these treasure movies, there almost always exists an artifact that contains some sort of "power". And they'll usually explain it like, "he who returns the artifact to the temple will be able to wield its power." I think people toss that P-word around too much. When you keep using it in useless context like that it starts to lose its meaning. And may I say, we almost never find out what this "power" actually is. Cuz you know what happens when they finally get this power? They die. Every time.

Treasure Movie Writers are Racist: There almost always comes a point in these movies where the heroes come across a band of natives. These indigenous people are uniformly painted up with an affinity towards body piercings and dreadlocks. They always have either spears, bolos, or blow darts--sometimes all three. The reasons for this mindless assault are almost never given; and when they are, it's usually because these brainless, non-white people are "sworn to protect" the artifact, temple, or what have you. Maybe they just don't agree with our foreign policy.

One-Time-Use Temples are Wasteful: Yay! We've defeated the bad guy! Uh, oh, what's going on? There's sand pouring everywhere, the floor is falling out from underneath me into some mysterious void and those inexplicable automatic rock-doors are starting to slide down at just the right speed for me to escape! What's a leather-jacket-wearing adventurer to do? Come on, transparently-racist ancient people! Why would you put all that work into your temple but then have it fall apart as soon as all the good stuff happens? The worst part is that they use these temples to store all their valuables and treasure. I'm glad Public Storage isn't run by ancient Mayans.

"Coffee Culture" Is For Chumps!

To start, I admit freely, I am not a coffee drinker. Never have been and never intend to be. I previously posted about how soup is for chumps and feel much the same way about coffee as well as other hot liquids.

But, one thing I just don't understand is why we need A FRICKIN' STARBUCKS (or some other coffee shop) ON EVERY CORNER! What's so great about spending five bucks on a hot cup of burned bean juice? From what I've heard on recent news reports and from friends who are coffee drinkers you can buy a decent cup of coffee at McDonald's or 7-Eleven for 1/4th of the price. Better yet, just get it free from work like I see all the sheep at my work do every morning.

In recent taste tests performed by Consumer Reports, McDonald's was declared the winner over Starbucks as well as 3 other fast food restaurants. Which doesn't surprise me, because if the rumors are true, Starbucks overcooks (read: burns) it's beans to make its coffee stronger, which in turn allows them to use the beans longer. They say this is to help protect the environment and the poor foreign bean pickers from working so hard. I know when I'm driving to my palatial Starbucks estate in my million dollar car, the first thing I'm worried about is how Javier and his family who toiled away all day in the fields are going to make ends meet. (Read about Starbucks "not so green" practices here).

Going to Starbucks to get your Grande Half Caf cup of frothy dirt water does not make you seem trendy or happening. No, it makes you look like a jerk with too much pocket change that wants to be part of some greater coffee worshipping community. The only thing it proves to me is that you have horrible taste and dirty teeth.

I understand needing that morning pick me up. I'll have a nice cold caffeinated soda in the morning sometimes. But I'm not going to go to some bar for a $9 cola when I can get one for fifty cents out of the local vending machine.

Start saving your coffee money and maybe you can buy a clue.

(I think I'm angry today. I'm off the cola, which means I'm off the caffeine. Since I don't drink coffee I may have to invest in some NoDoz or maybe some meth.)

Overusing Movie Quotes Is For Chumps!

I've always thought there should be a statute of limitations in regards to movie quotes. Yeah sure it's funny when a movie is still fresh and funny, but as one gets older, their internal database of movie quotes gets older and more stale.

It's nuts, I mean, we literally had to wait for people to die to get them to stop using quotes like "Well frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and "Stella!" Things are getting out of hand and it has gotten to to point where they actually promote movies by saying it is "the most quotable movie of the year." Ugh. This brings me, of course, to the most-hated culprits:

"I'll be back"

"Alrighty then."

You are not allowed to scratch your cheek and say "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse." Not allowed!

"Use the force, Luke"

"Say hello to my little friend" in your crappy, racist Cuban accent.

"A Cinderella story"

Anything from Napoleon Dynamite. This goes for everything regarding tots or being a friggin idiot. Ligers aren't funny anymore either, so don't even try.

"Bond, James Bond"--Classic chump.

And finally, the worst of them all--anything from Austin Powers. This goes for "one million dollars," "do I make you horny," "yeah, baby, yeah," and "get in my belly." Banned.

Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!

So, there are lots of different ways to be "That Annoying Jackass" in the movie theater. Below is a list of the most annoying people that love to help ruin my movie going experience. Armed with this information, you will hopefully be able to avoid being the biggest jackass in the theater. (Yes, all of these are based on my personal experience in movie theaters.)

• The New Parent(s)
  
  You chose to have a baby. Next time, choose to stay home. I don't know why you think it's OK to bring your child (from crying newborn to anxious toddler) into the 10:30pm showing of an R-Rated movie. At the very least, when your kid starts to cry or can't hold still, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE THEATER.
  
  
• The Snack Hound
  
  Do they not feed you at home? Did you just feel like getting one of everything from the snack bar because you have huge amounts of expendable income? It's bad enough I have to hear you slurp your diet cola or shuffle through your fake buttered popcorn, but could you at least get all your cellophane wrappers open before the movie starts? I like red vines as much as the next guy, but I don't want to listen to you open the package in the dark for the first ten minutes of the movie.
  
  
• The Phone Jerk
  
  When you're in the movie, turn your phone off. I don't want to hear your phone ring or see the bright glare from your phone as you reply to your "hot chat" text message for that booty call that obviously isn't going to happen. That text message, email or phone call can wait 2 hours. If it can't, maybe you shouldn't have gone to the movie to start with. If you do have to answer the call, at least leave the theater BEFORE you answer it.
  
  
• The Translator
  
  If you don't speak the language, don't go to the movie. Wait until it comes out on DVD with the appropriate subtitles. I didn't pay $10 to hear you repeat the entire movie in Spanish or some long dead Farsi dialect.
  
  
• The Sleeper
  
  If you're that tired, go home. I don't want to listen to you breathe heavy or snore because you missed your afternoon nap.
  
  
• The Moron
  
  Don't ask questions during the movie. The person you are with probably hasn't seen it either. I'm sure if you wait 3 more minutes the detail you couldn't figure out will be revealed in a way even your pea sized brain can understand.
  

This finally leads me to my biggest dread in the movie theater. The chump I refer to as:

• The Master of the Obvious
  
  Yes, we all figured it out: "The butler did it in the study with the revolver" or "Oh no, the killer is hiding under the stairs". Somehow we were all able to figure it out 10 minutes ago and keep that excitement bottled up inside. But not you, Master of the Obvious, you need to let the person you came to the theater with (as well as everyone else around you) that you finally figured it out. We get it. You crave acceptance and praise for the fact that you're mildly retarded. If I give you a gold star and a cookie will you shut up so I can watch the rest of the film?
  

(Oh, how I yearn for the days of simultaneous DVD and Theatrical release.)

Bluetooth Headsets Are For Chumps!

Come on, now. Do you really think wearing a bluetooth headset makes you cool or more attractive? I can't stand people who walk around with that blue light flashing in their ear even when they aren't talking to anyone. I just don't get it.

Let me tell you something buddy, having that headset on when no one is on the other end doesn't make you appear any less lonely than you obviously are. Also, I can't stand it when I think someone is talking to me and it turns out they're yapping away to their invisible buddy on the other end of the line. It makes you look like a crazy homeless person talking to the aliens that live in your morning cup of coffee!

Besides who needs hands-free talking? You got hands, use em!

(ForChumps.com whole heartedly supports safe driving practices. If you have to drive and talk, don't forget to use your hands free headset. It's California Law starting June 1st.)

Bookstores Are For Chumps!

1. Order it from Amazon. It'll be cheaper.


2. If you can get it on mp3 from Audible, you can listen to it while you're doing something else. Multitask! I'm sure your time is valuable.


3. The bookstore is not a library.
   
   
   
   • I refuse to be quiet in the bookstore because you decided today was the day you needed to finish your precious metals paper for class or just had to read that new John Grisham thriller without paying for it.
   
   
   • On top of that, what makes it ok for you to get your greasy mitts all over a book someone else might want to buy? Don't dog ear the page you left off on or crease the spine. Somone might actully want to buy that someday and I don't think they give discounts for "used" books.
   
   
   • If you are going to be one of those cheap bastards that sits around the bookstore, at least get your lazy ass out of the aisle. Someone might actually want to look at something on the shelf you're camping in front of.
     
   
   
4. Get a freakin' library card! Its free!

(One day I will walk up to someone reading a book in the bookstore, ask them if they intend to purchase it, and when they say no, I will rip it from their hands, take it to the counter, purchase it, and then tear it to pieces in front of them.)

Counter-Chump: Taking Sports Out Of Context Is For Chumps!

Ok, Poindexter, just because you were picked last for kickball doesn't make you witty when taking a sporting event out of context. I know you still wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that Ogre hung you on another door, atomic wedgie style. I know what you're thinking, in a perfect world Gears of War would be a sport, but it's not. Am I being insensitive? Perhaps, sigh...ok I'll indulge you...

Golf? That's just a bunch of old corpses trying to get a ball in a hole. Yawn.

Baseball? Half of those guys are fat fucks, the other half are 'roided hulks trying to whack a ball with a stick. Whatever.

Hockey? A clique of toothless Canadians waving broomsticks around in between slapping each other like monkeys? I'll pass.

Tennis? Yeah right, like I want to watch a bunch of rich dudes whack a ball back and forth with strange, Godless contraptions.

Gymnastics? What's with all those beautifully-chiseled men with their rock-hard abs and large, protruding packages? Uhh...nevermind.

NASCAR Is For Chumps!

As unpopular as my opinion on this ever growing "sport" may be (even amongst my fellow ForChumps bloggers), I am a firm believer that NASCAR is indeed for chumps. Especially, watching NASCAR.

You're watching people, in a car painted like a rolling billboard, turn left for hours on end. I can't possibly believe that these people have nothing better to do. Even if it's just a poor excuse to sit around and drink beer with your buddies, there has to be a better way to accomplish this. I mean, come on. Go load up the shot gun and take a few pot shots at one of the burned out Edsels cluttering up the back forty.

My fifteen minute commute to work in the morning seems more exciting than this. At least then I get to make a right turn every once in a while.

Ballads Are For Chumps(Girls)!

We're men, dammit. And men are angry. Why are they angry? Who the hell knows, but what I do know is that angry people need to listen to angry, aggressive music. What is that song you're listening to? Nothing Else Matters? WTF? I hate you. Why are you holding up that lighter, you don't even smoke. Go to hell.

Yeah yeah, I know, for every Welcome to the Jungle there exists a November Rain. We're supposed to skip those tracks and only pull them out when we're trying to get laid. Don't let me catch you listening to Every Rose Has A Thorn when there's a perfectly good Talk Dirty To Me just a few tracks over.

By the way, that also goes for anything containing the word Unplugged. You make me sick.

Soup Is For Chumps!

First of all, soup is for poor people. Its basically taking all the crap you had left over from other meals and thinning it out with water so you have more of it to share with your twelve hungry kids that you don't have enough food stamps to feed.

Secondly, it starts out cold, so you heat it up. Then, its so hot that you burn yourself on it. Then you take a bunch of time to "blow" on it and cool it back down again. That's just ridiculous. Why bother warming it up in the first place.

Thirdly, any food you have to slurp is disgusting. Have some decorum.

Finally, why do I want to eat something that looks like it's already been chewed, swallowed and spit back up into a bowl.

You've got teeth. Eat some solid food. It's what they're there for.

Pleated Pants Are For Chumps!

Unless you're rail thin and working on Wall Street in the 40's there is no reason you should ever wear pleated pants. I promise you if you look one rack over in the JC Penney men's department, you'll find the pants labeled "Flat Front". Give em a shot! At least then you'll only have one amorphous blob you call your ass in the back instead of two. No one likes front butt.

(Suggested by Toby)

Trying to Buy Tickets Online Is For Chumps!

I hate it. There are about thirteen million people who live in the Los Angeles and Orange County area. There are about eighteen thousand seats at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre in Irvine. Something doesn't add up here. Someone's feelings are going to get hurt.

I can click-away like a monkey at that exact point where they go on sale, but that doesn't change the fact that a whole third of the Amphitheatre is probably already sold out to the local radio stations and such.

This concert will be sold out in less than thirty seconds. The only reason it officially takes longer is that people have to enter their credit card info. If I don't get tickets, I'm going to hurt someone. It looks like I'm on the chump-end of this one.

Going To Work Sick Is For Chumps!

I know you have a lot of work to do and your boss is all over you about getting it done. Or, maybe, you would just rather save your "sick days" to use at another time, like after that long weekend at "the river". But come on pal, I don't want you coming to work coughing your sick all over me and the rest of the people in the office.

Help stop the vicious circle of spreading germs around the office and stay home for a day. Everyone will appreciate it in the end. Plus, no one ever really reads those TPS reports. Trust me, they can wait an extra day.

Counter-Chump: Being A Hypocritical, Corporate-Hating Hippie Is For Chumps!

Why are people so quick to jump onto their high-moral-horse over one company, but then so quick to look the other way when another, equally-large company does the same?

May I remind the public that it was beloved-by-hippies Apple that basically invented (or at least popularized) proprietary digital rights management in regards to music sales? Thank you, Apple, for forcing me to use your software AND admittedly-shiny hardware when all I want to do is convince my friends how awesome the latest Avril Lavigne album is (if my heart could write songs, it would sound like these).

Also, lest we forget that the adored-through-nostalgia HD DVD had the full support of another, equally "evil" company--Microsoft. Are we to believe that Microsoft didn't stuff some of its billions, in stripper-accessible singles, down the dirty g-string of Hewlett Packard, Universal, Warner, and the rest? Oh but their hardware was cheaper, so all is forgiven, right?

This all reeks of the it's-ok-as-long-as-we-do-it mentality that has gotten us in trouble time after time. Just because their CEO smokes the same reefer you do doesn't make it unobjectionable. All I'm saying is that your glasses are pink if you believe that a company, any company, wouldn't do all they could get away with in order to overcharge me for their product. If you believe otherwise, you'd better prepare to be crushed by your own towering mountain of sanctimonious, chump-shaped, bricks. Just do me a favor and don't forget to take a picture just before the inevitable, cuz it would make a bitchin' wallpaper on my iPhone.

Blu-ray Is For Chumps!

Yeah, you heard me. I said it. Blu-ray is for chumps! I'm sick of Sony's self righteous attempts to create new proprietary media just to get more money out of me.

As you may have heard, Sony won the war against HD-DVD in the most recent format war. But is anyone out there old enough to remember a little thing called BetaMax or how about the Sony Memory Stick. Sure, lets create a memory card format that only Sony supports and not allow our products to use any other standard memory formats. You know what you can do with your memory stick Sony? You can STICK it up your ass!

There is also the ill fated Sony Mini Disc of the early 90's or more recently the UMD. Sony's proprietary movie format to be used with the PSP. That little venture has worked out great for them so far.

Hey Sony, good luck recovering the billions of dollars you shelled out to pay off all the studios to switch over to your inferior product. At least HD-DVD was putting out dual format discs so I could have a sweet new hi-def copy of a movie as well as a version that plays on my old machines. Plus, I could get an HD player for under $200.

Rather than spending $30 a piece for movies I already own and at least $400 for a new player, I think I'm gonna sit this one out. I'll just keep enjoying my $30 upscaling DVD player and watch Blue-ray die a slow painful death as they realize they've priced themselves out of the market.

Running (while not being chased) Is For Chumps!

Yeah, I get it you're in better shape than I am. You don't have to rub it in my face that your training for some ridiculous marathon. I don't give a crap that you can get up early in the morning with a bunch of other chumps and run 26 miles before I even start my day. You know what I did last night while you went to bed early? I went out and had a good time with my friends, and it didn't involve dehydration, vomiting or relieving myself in public just to shave a few minutes off my time. (Well, maybe on a really good night!)

The only time you'll catch me running is if I'm being chased by a large, fanged animal with a taste for human blood or a knife weilding, axe murderer who has a new found passion for chainsaws.

(Yes, the irony is he has an axe, knife, and chainsaw.)

Racism Is For Chumps!

Enough already, I get it...

Asians are good at math.
Black people are good at basketball.
Middle Easterners are terrorists.
Hispanics are lazy.
Native Americans are alcoholics.
Indians are stealing our jobs.
Swedish chicks are hot.
Bigots are boring.
Racists are chumps.

Coke vs. Pepsi is for Chumps!

So you prefer Coke over Pepsi (or vice versa), that's fine. It's these types of conversations that piss me off:

Waitress: What would you like to drink?
Chump: A Coke.
Waitress: I'm sorry, but we only have Pepsi, is that ok?
Chump: No thanks, I hate Pepsi. It tastes like shit. Give me an iced tea.

Being bigoted towards one can of sugar and soda versus another almost-exactly-equal-tasting can of sugar and soda doesn't make you discerning. it doesn't make you insightful, it doesn't give you good taste, and it doesn't make you perceptive...it makes you a chump.

But Dr. Pepper versus Mr. Pibb--that's different. Mr. Pibb tastes like shit. I'll have an iced tea.

Not Going To See Kids In The Hall Is For Chumps!

I'm going to see Kids In The Hall tonight. Are you? No? You know why? You're a chump!!!

iPhone Rumors Are For Chumps!

Just wait for the frickin' phone to come out. You know you're going to buy one no matter what.