"Cash Only" Is For Chump!

Why in the world would anyone bother owning or operating a business these days without being able to take credit and debit payments? I understand that there are often charges associated with providing this kind of service. But come on, if you as the business owner can't afford to pay for a credit card machine, at least pass the service charge onto me. It's way more convenient for me to pay you 25 cents for a transaction than leave your business to find an ATM. If I have to leave, I'm not coming back, and you just lost a sale. Trust me, when I plan to spend money, I don't mess around.

I'm not one to carry much cash on me. Carrying cash makes it 100% more possible that I might lose said cash. If I'm not carrying it, I can't lose it. I may lose my wallet with all my cards in it but at least then I can make a phone call and verify my money's safe.

The old days of "Cash is King" are long gone. Cash is crap! I say, "All Hail Lady Visa and Lord Master Card." The American green back is worth little to nothing these days. Wealth is really only judged by how many 1's and 0's are floating around in your online bank account. Pretty soon we'll be able to pay for stuff just using our thumb prints or the RFID tag embedded under the skin in our palms.

Just remember small business owner, as you're getting high off that new Sharpie, writing you're "Cash Only" sign to scotch tape into the window, in the new world "Cash Only" translates into "No Sale".

(The only reason to prefer "cash only" is if you're avoiding paying taxes. Because if there's one thing that's definitely not for chumps, it's sticking it to the man!)

"Reply To All" Is For Chumps!

Anybody who has worked in any corporate environment knows about the dreaded “Reply To All” button. Yes, it has its uses, but more often than not it is abused. And when it is abused, it’s painful—agonizingly painful.

So here at the company where Mr. Kamikaze and I allegedly work, once in a while we will get an email addressed to the entire company. This morning we got one of those, but there was one problem—it was a mistake. What proceeded afterward were three hours (so far) and two hundred emails (so far) of hell. I give you the top ten:

10. Was this e-mail meant for me?

9. I think you sent this to me by mistake.

8. I think you sent this to the wrong person!!!!!

7. Is this a virus? I'm sending to Spam and my IT person

6. PLEASE stop replying to all.. thanks

5. OMG!!! I think the world is coming to an end! Please stop replying!....

4. !!!!!!! EVERYBODY…STOP REPLYING TO ALL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3. I just wanted to be a part of the email action!

2. Who are all you people?

1. GO LAKERS!!!

Failing To Subscribe To Our RSS Feed Is For Chumps!

Just as a reminder to all you technologically-advanced chumps out there, please subscribe to our RSS feed by clicking here. If you don't know what an RSS feed is, it's an address you can put into an RSS reader like Google Reader, Outlook, Firefox, Internet Explorer 7, and many others. It basically allows for instant access to our new chumposts as soon as we add them.

If you want more info, I highly recommend Google Reader and you can read more about it here. So go ahead and subscribe, it's probably one of the least-chumpy things you'll ever do.

Car Alarms Are For Chumps!

In this day and age, are car alarms really anything more than an annoyance? I know I don't give a second thought when I hear a car alarm going off anymore. I do a give a first thought, it's how I want to go smash in the windows of the car whose alarm won't stop, so at least it's going off for a legitimate reason. Especially when it's the fifth time it's woken me up in the middle of the night and it's obvious even the owner doesn't care that his car is being broken into anymore.

Any car thief worth his salt is going to know how to do what he needs to do before the alarm actually "alarms" anyone or know how to turn the alarm off.

The top 10 things that set off car alarms 99.9% more often than thieves:

1. The neighborhood cat whose paw prints you find on your windshield in the morning
   
   
2. A motorcycle or old car with loud "pipes"
   
   
3. An earthquake
   
   
4. A large delivery truck driving by
   
   
5. Bored youth looking for a laugh (aka Hooligans)
   
   
6. Rogue shopping carts
   
   
7. Falling leaves or branches from the tree you parked under
   
   
8. The soccer mom fumbling for the keys in her purse
   (She never bothered to learn how to turn the alarm off on the new Denali. An obvious guilt gift from the husband to save an already dead marriage after being caught sleeping with the new secretary. It was cheaper than the divorce settlement.)
   
   
9. The jerk-off who drives by who spent more on the bass for his car stereo than the car itself
   
   
10. A stiff breeze
    
    

Agree that car alarms are for chumps?
Click here to check out the trailer for Noise starring Tim Robbins.

Disagree that car alarms are for chumps? You're wrong.
Click here to check out the trailer for Noise starring Tim Robbins.

Movies About Treasure Are For Chumps!

I'm done, it's over, no more. I'm officially retiring from the "Treasure Movie" genre. I keep waiting for one of them to surprise me but it keeps coming down to the same routine. I blame Indy, he started this mess. George Lucas rejuvenated the treasure-hunting genre back in the 80s and now it's snowballed into a monster. Tomb Raider, The Mummy, National Fucking Treasure. I'll admit it, a few of those horse-beaten movies might have been entertaining, but after seeing the latest edition of everyone's favorite ophidiophobic, Indiana Jones, I've had it.

No More Leather Jackets: I don't get it, have any of you actually been to the Sahara or the Amazon rainforest? It's not exactly sweater-weather over there. That is, of course, unless you enjoy looking and feeling like a sweaty Robin Williams. I'm just glad they didn't use a leather jacket to cover Angelina's giant knockers.

Ancient People Weren't That Smart: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think there has ever been a case where an archaeologist placed a key in a hole and a two-ton rock wall automatically moved. I still sometimes slam my face into the automatic door at Target and you're expecting me to believe that some four-thousand-year-old civilization perfected the science?

WTF is "Power"? In these treasure movies, there almost always exists an artifact that contains some sort of "power". And they'll usually explain it like, "he who returns the artifact to the temple will be able to wield its power." I think people toss that P-word around too much. When you keep using it in useless context like that it starts to lose its meaning. And may I say, we almost never find out what this "power" actually is. Cuz you know what happens when they finally get this power? They die. Every time.

Treasure Movie Writers are Racist: There almost always comes a point in these movies where the heroes come across a band of natives. These indigenous people are uniformly painted up with an affinity towards body piercings and dreadlocks. They always have either spears, bolos, or blow darts--sometimes all three. The reasons for this mindless assault are almost never given; and when they are, it's usually because these brainless, non-white people are "sworn to protect" the artifact, temple, or what have you. Maybe they just don't agree with our foreign policy.

One-Time-Use Temples are Wasteful: Yay! We've defeated the bad guy! Uh, oh, what's going on? There's sand pouring everywhere, the floor is falling out from underneath me into some mysterious void and those inexplicable automatic rock-doors are starting to slide down at just the right speed for me to escape! What's a leather-jacket-wearing adventurer to do? Come on, transparently-racist ancient people! Why would you put all that work into your temple but then have it fall apart as soon as all the good stuff happens? The worst part is that they use these temples to store all their valuables and treasure. I'm glad Public Storage isn't run by ancient Mayans.

"Coffee Culture" Is For Chumps!

To start, I admit freely, I am not a coffee drinker. Never have been and never intend to be. I previously posted about how soup is for chumps and feel much the same way about coffee as well as other hot liquids.

But, one thing I just don't understand is why we need A FRICKIN' STARBUCKS (or some other coffee shop) ON EVERY CORNER! What's so great about spending five bucks on a hot cup of burned bean juice? From what I've heard on recent news reports and from friends who are coffee drinkers you can buy a decent cup of coffee at McDonald's or 7-Eleven for 1/4th of the price. Better yet, just get it free from work like I see all the sheep at my work do every morning.

In recent taste tests performed by Consumer Reports, McDonald's was declared the winner over Starbucks as well as 3 other fast food restaurants. Which doesn't surprise me, because if the rumors are true, Starbucks overcooks (read: burns) it's beans to make its coffee stronger, which in turn allows them to use the beans longer. They say this is to help protect the environment and the poor foreign bean pickers from working so hard. I know when I'm driving to my palatial Starbucks estate in my million dollar car, the first thing I'm worried about is how Javier and his family who toiled away all day in the fields are going to make ends meet. (Read about Starbucks "not so green" practices here).

Going to Starbucks to get your Grande Half Caf cup of frothy dirt water does not make you seem trendy or happening. No, it makes you look like a jerk with too much pocket change that wants to be part of some greater coffee worshipping community. The only thing it proves to me is that you have horrible taste and dirty teeth.

I understand needing that morning pick me up. I'll have a nice cold caffeinated soda in the morning sometimes. But I'm not going to go to some bar for a $9 cola when I can get one for fifty cents out of the local vending machine.

Start saving your coffee money and maybe you can buy a clue.

(I think I'm angry today. I'm off the cola, which means I'm off the caffeine. Since I don't drink coffee I may have to invest in some NoDoz or maybe some meth.)

Overusing Movie Quotes Is For Chumps!

I've always thought there should be a statute of limitations in regards to movie quotes. Yeah sure it's funny when a movie is still fresh and funny, but as one gets older, their internal database of movie quotes gets older and more stale.

It's nuts, I mean, we literally had to wait for people to die to get them to stop using quotes like "Well frankly my dear, I don't give a damn" and "Stella!" Things are getting out of hand and it has gotten to to point where they actually promote movies by saying it is "the most quotable movie of the year." Ugh. This brings me, of course, to the most-hated culprits:

"I'll be back"

"Alrighty then."

You are not allowed to scratch your cheek and say "I'll make him an offer he can't refuse." Not allowed!

"Use the force, Luke"

"Say hello to my little friend" in your crappy, racist Cuban accent.

"A Cinderella story"

Anything from Napoleon Dynamite. This goes for everything regarding tots or being a friggin idiot. Ligers aren't funny anymore either, so don't even try.

"Bond, James Bond"--Classic chump.

And finally, the worst of them all--anything from Austin Powers. This goes for "one million dollars," "do I make you horny," "yeah, baby, yeah," and "get in my belly." Banned.

Being "That Annoying Jackass" In The Movie Theater Is For Chumps!

So, there are lots of different ways to be "That Annoying Jackass" in the movie theater. Below is a list of the most annoying people that love to help ruin my movie going experience. Armed with this information, you will hopefully be able to avoid being the biggest jackass in the theater. (Yes, all of these are based on my personal experience in movie theaters.)

• The New Parent(s)
  
  You chose to have a baby. Next time, choose to stay home. I don't know why you think it's OK to bring your child (from crying newborn to anxious toddler) into the 10:30pm showing of an R-Rated movie. At the very least, when your kid starts to cry or can't hold still, TAKE THEM OUT OF THE THEATER.
  
  
• The Snack Hound
  
  Do they not feed you at home? Did you just feel like getting one of everything from the snack bar because you have huge amounts of expendable income? It's bad enough I have to hear you slurp your diet cola or shuffle through your fake buttered popcorn, but could you at least get all your cellophane wrappers open before the movie starts? I like red vines as much as the next guy, but I don't want to listen to you open the package in the dark for the first ten minutes of the movie.
  
  
• The Phone Jerk
  
  When you're in the movie, turn your phone off. I don't want to hear your phone ring or see the bright glare from your phone as you reply to your "hot chat" text message for that booty call that obviously isn't going to happen. That text message, email or phone call can wait 2 hours. If it can't, maybe you shouldn't have gone to the movie to start with. If you do have to answer the call, at least leave the theater BEFORE you answer it.
  
  
• The Translator
  
  If you don't speak the language, don't go to the movie. Wait until it comes out on DVD with the appropriate subtitles. I didn't pay $10 to hear you repeat the entire movie in Spanish or some long dead Farsi dialect.
  
  
• The Sleeper
  
  If you're that tired, go home. I don't want to listen to you breathe heavy or snore because you missed your afternoon nap.
  
  
• The Moron
  
  Don't ask questions during the movie. The person you are with probably hasn't seen it either. I'm sure if you wait 3 more minutes the detail you couldn't figure out will be revealed in a way even your pea sized brain can understand.
  

This finally leads me to my biggest dread in the movie theater. The chump I refer to as:

• The Master of the Obvious
  
  Yes, we all figured it out: "The butler did it in the study with the revolver" or "Oh no, the killer is hiding under the stairs". Somehow we were all able to figure it out 10 minutes ago and keep that excitement bottled up inside. But not you, Master of the Obvious, you need to let the person you came to the theater with (as well as everyone else around you) that you finally figured it out. We get it. You crave acceptance and praise for the fact that you're mildly retarded. If I give you a gold star and a cookie will you shut up so I can watch the rest of the film?
  

(Oh, how I yearn for the days of simultaneous DVD and Theatrical release.)

Bluetooth Headsets Are For Chumps!

Come on, now. Do you really think wearing a bluetooth headset makes you cool or more attractive? I can't stand people who walk around with that blue light flashing in their ear even when they aren't talking to anyone. I just don't get it.

Let me tell you something buddy, having that headset on when no one is on the other end doesn't make you appear any less lonely than you obviously are. Also, I can't stand it when I think someone is talking to me and it turns out they're yapping away to their invisible buddy on the other end of the line. It makes you look like a crazy homeless person talking to the aliens that live in your morning cup of coffee!

Besides who needs hands-free talking? You got hands, use em!

(ForChumps.com whole heartedly supports safe driving practices. If you have to drive and talk, don't forget to use your hands free headset. It's California Law starting June 1st.)

Bookstores Are For Chumps!

1. Order it from Amazon. It'll be cheaper.


2. If you can get it on mp3 from Audible, you can listen to it while you're doing something else. Multitask! I'm sure your time is valuable.


3. The bookstore is not a library.
   
   
   
   • I refuse to be quiet in the bookstore because you decided today was the day you needed to finish your precious metals paper for class or just had to read that new John Grisham thriller without paying for it.
   
   
   • On top of that, what makes it ok for you to get your greasy mitts all over a book someone else might want to buy? Don't dog ear the page you left off on or crease the spine. Somone might actully want to buy that someday and I don't think they give discounts for "used" books.
   
   
   • If you are going to be one of those cheap bastards that sits around the bookstore, at least get your lazy ass out of the aisle. Someone might actually want to look at something on the shelf you're camping in front of.
     
   
   
4. Get a freakin' library card! Its free!

(One day I will walk up to someone reading a book in the bookstore, ask them if they intend to purchase it, and when they say no, I will rip it from their hands, take it to the counter, purchase it, and then tear it to pieces in front of them.)

Counter-Chump: Taking Sports Out Of Context Is For Chumps!

Ok, Poindexter, just because you were picked last for kickball doesn't make you witty when taking a sporting event out of context. I know you still wake up in a cold sweat after dreaming that Ogre hung you on another door, atomic wedgie style. I know what you're thinking, in a perfect world Gears of War would be a sport, but it's not. Am I being insensitive? Perhaps, sigh...ok I'll indulge you...

Golf? That's just a bunch of old corpses trying to get a ball in a hole. Yawn.

Baseball? Half of those guys are fat fucks, the other half are 'roided hulks trying to whack a ball with a stick. Whatever.

Hockey? A clique of toothless Canadians waving broomsticks around in between slapping each other like monkeys? I'll pass.

Tennis? Yeah right, like I want to watch a bunch of rich dudes whack a ball back and forth with strange, Godless contraptions.

Gymnastics? What's with all those beautifully-chiseled men with their rock-hard abs and large, protruding packages? Uhh...nevermind.

NASCAR Is For Chumps!

As unpopular as my opinion on this ever growing "sport" may be (even amongst my fellow ForChumps bloggers), I am a firm believer that NASCAR is indeed for chumps. Especially, watching NASCAR.

You're watching people, in a car painted like a rolling billboard, turn left for hours on end. I can't possibly believe that these people have nothing better to do. Even if it's just a poor excuse to sit around and drink beer with your buddies, there has to be a better way to accomplish this. I mean, come on. Go load up the shot gun and take a few pot shots at one of the burned out Edsels cluttering up the back forty.

My fifteen minute commute to work in the morning seems more exciting than this. At least then I get to make a right turn every once in a while.

Ballads Are For Chumps(Girls)!

We're men, dammit. And men are angry. Why are they angry? Who the hell knows, but what I do know is that angry people need to listen to angry, aggressive music. What is that song you're listening to? Nothing Else Matters? WTF? I hate you. Why are you holding up that lighter, you don't even smoke. Go to hell.

Yeah yeah, I know, for every Welcome to the Jungle there exists a November Rain. We're supposed to skip those tracks and only pull them out when we're trying to get laid. Don't let me catch you listening to Every Rose Has A Thorn when there's a perfectly good Talk Dirty To Me just a few tracks over.

By the way, that also goes for anything containing the word Unplugged. You make me sick.

Soup Is For Chumps!

First of all, soup is for poor people. Its basically taking all the crap you had left over from other meals and thinning it out with water so you have more of it to share with your twelve hungry kids that you don't have enough food stamps to feed.

Secondly, it starts out cold, so you heat it up. Then, its so hot that you burn yourself on it. Then you take a bunch of time to "blow" on it and cool it back down again. That's just ridiculous. Why bother warming it up in the first place.

Thirdly, any food you have to slurp is disgusting. Have some decorum.

Finally, why do I want to eat something that looks like it's already been chewed, swallowed and spit back up into a bowl.

You've got teeth. Eat some solid food. It's what they're there for.

Pleated Pants Are For Chumps!

Unless you're rail thin and working on Wall Street in the 40's there is no reason you should ever wear pleated pants. I promise you if you look one rack over in the JC Penney men's department, you'll find the pants labeled "Flat Front". Give em a shot! At least then you'll only have one amorphous blob you call your ass in the back instead of two. No one likes front butt.

(Suggested by Toby)

Trying to Buy Tickets Online Is For Chumps!

I hate it. There are about thirteen million people who live in the Los Angeles and Orange County area. There are about eighteen thousand seats at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre in Irvine. Something doesn't add up here. Someone's feelings are going to get hurt.

I can click-away like a monkey at that exact point where they go on sale, but that doesn't change the fact that a whole third of the Amphitheatre is probably already sold out to the local radio stations and such.

This concert will be sold out in less than thirty seconds. The only reason it officially takes longer is that people have to enter their credit card info. If I don't get tickets, I'm going to hurt someone. It looks like I'm on the chump-end of this one.

Going To Work Sick Is For Chumps!

I know you have a lot of work to do and your boss is all over you about getting it done. Or, maybe, you would just rather save your "sick days" to use at another time, like after that long weekend at "the river". But come on pal, I don't want you coming to work coughing your sick all over me and the rest of the people in the office.

Help stop the vicious circle of spreading germs around the office and stay home for a day. Everyone will appreciate it in the end. Plus, no one ever really reads those TPS reports. Trust me, they can wait an extra day.

Counter-Chump: Being A Hypocritical, Corporate-Hating Hippie Is For Chumps!

Why are people so quick to jump onto their high-moral-horse over one company, but then so quick to look the other way when another, equally-large company does the same?

May I remind the public that it was beloved-by-hippies Apple that basically invented (or at least popularized) proprietary digital rights management in regards to music sales? Thank you, Apple, for forcing me to use your software AND admittedly-shiny hardware when all I want to do is convince my friends how awesome the latest Avril Lavigne album is (if my heart could write songs, it would sound like these).

Also, lest we forget that the adored-through-nostalgia HD DVD had the full support of another, equally "evil" company--Microsoft. Are we to believe that Microsoft didn't stuff some of its billions, in stripper-accessible singles, down the dirty g-string of Hewlett Packard, Universal, Warner, and the rest? Oh but their hardware was cheaper, so all is forgiven, right?

This all reeks of the it's-ok-as-long-as-we-do-it mentality that has gotten us in trouble time after time. Just because their CEO smokes the same reefer you do doesn't make it unobjectionable. All I'm saying is that your glasses are pink if you believe that a company, any company, wouldn't do all they could get away with in order to overcharge me for their product. If you believe otherwise, you'd better prepare to be crushed by your own towering mountain of sanctimonious, chump-shaped, bricks. Just do me a favor and don't forget to take a picture just before the inevitable, cuz it would make a bitchin' wallpaper on my iPhone.

Blu-ray Is For Chumps!

Yeah, you heard me. I said it. Blu-ray is for chumps! I'm sick of Sony's self righteous attempts to create new proprietary media just to get more money out of me.

As you may have heard, Sony won the war against HD-DVD in the most recent format war. But is anyone out there old enough to remember a little thing called BetaMax or how about the Sony Memory Stick. Sure, lets create a memory card format that only Sony supports and not allow our products to use any other standard memory formats. You know what you can do with your memory stick Sony? You can STICK it up your ass!

There is also the ill fated Sony Mini Disc of the early 90's or more recently the UMD. Sony's proprietary movie format to be used with the PSP. That little venture has worked out great for them so far.

Hey Sony, good luck recovering the billions of dollars you shelled out to pay off all the studios to switch over to your inferior product. At least HD-DVD was putting out dual format discs so I could have a sweet new hi-def copy of a movie as well as a version that plays on my old machines. Plus, I could get an HD player for under $200.

Rather than spending $30 a piece for movies I already own and at least $400 for a new player, I think I'm gonna sit this one out. I'll just keep enjoying my $30 upscaling DVD player and watch Blue-ray die a slow painful death as they realize they've priced themselves out of the market.

Running (while not being chased) Is For Chumps!

Yeah, I get it you're in better shape than I am. You don't have to rub it in my face that your training for some ridiculous marathon. I don't give a crap that you can get up early in the morning with a bunch of other chumps and run 26 miles before I even start my day. You know what I did last night while you went to bed early? I went out and had a good time with my friends, and it didn't involve dehydration, vomiting or relieving myself in public just to shave a few minutes off my time. (Well, maybe on a really good night!)

The only time you'll catch me running is if I'm being chased by a large, fanged animal with a taste for human blood or a knife weilding, axe murderer who has a new found passion for chainsaws.

(Yes, the irony is he has an axe, knife, and chainsaw.)

Racism Is For Chumps!

Enough already, I get it...

Asians are good at math.
Black people are good at basketball.
Middle Easterners are terrorists.
Hispanics are lazy.
Native Americans are alcoholics.
Indians are stealing our jobs.
Swedish chicks are hot.
Bigots are boring.
Racists are chumps.

Coke vs. Pepsi is for Chumps!

So you prefer Coke over Pepsi (or vice versa), that's fine. It's these types of conversations that piss me off:

Waitress: What would you like to drink?
Chump: A Coke.
Waitress: I'm sorry, but we only have Pepsi, is that ok?
Chump: No thanks, I hate Pepsi. It tastes like shit. Give me an iced tea.

Being bigoted towards one can of sugar and soda versus another almost-exactly-equal-tasting can of sugar and soda doesn't make you discerning. it doesn't make you insightful, it doesn't give you good taste, and it doesn't make you perceptive...it makes you a chump.

But Dr. Pepper versus Mr. Pibb--that's different. Mr. Pibb tastes like shit. I'll have an iced tea.

Not Going To See Kids In The Hall Is For Chumps!

I'm going to see Kids In The Hall tonight. Are you? No? You know why? You're a chump!!!

iPhone Rumors Are For Chumps!

Just wait for the frickin' phone to come out. You know you're going to buy one no matter what.